Archive | January 2013

Point of Suffering?

Why do we suffer?  I have beaten myself up over this for a long time.  If I’m God’s child why does he allow all this pain in my life?  Why does it seem like I’m getting an unfair share.  People tell me how wonderful I am and that they are sorry all these bad things that keep happening.  Why do bad things happen to good people?  Am I doing something to deserve this?  I wonder how much more I can possibly take?  Just when I think I can’t take anymore pain there comes another wave.  Its always something that I can’t control.  If your a God of mercy then where is my mercy?  I’m supposed to  hold my head up high in faith that he has everything under control.  He has a plan and it is good.  It doesn’t feel good.  Keep going,  keep walking, be patient, wait.  That is what I hear.  That is so not what I want to do.

I’m bleeding from the inside out

The blood I’ve cried will never run dry

My heart may stop but life goes on.

My pain is not in vain not that any man can know

My Savior is here holding me close

He’s all I need, but not all that I want

For now I will take comfort in knowing he knows my needs

I will continue to kill the desires with in me that seek to destroy me.

Lord, carry me from my sinking sand

Bring me to your rock of salvation

I can’t do it, I don’t have the strength

So carry me please to the shelter of your wings

free me from the enemies snare

so I can find peace in your arms

Nothing in this life is mine

I am worthless with out you

I’m not giving up

just surrendering all that I am for you

The only thing I can do is  give you my heart the only way I know how.

God, you showed me mercy on the cross.

That is the only mercy I need.

The suffering I endure on earth is nothing compared to the suffering you endured on the cross.

Who am I to complain.

No life may not be fair but then you never said it was.

In fact you promised that if  I chose to follow you I would suffer.

Should I feel honored for having to endure so much.

  Your promises are true even if I never see them this side of heaven.

Even through my tears I see you.

I see you in the sunrise.

I feel you in the stormy skies.

I hear you in my babies cries.

I know  you in the worst surprise.

I can run but I can’t hide.

  You are there speaking to me, not letting me go.

  It is through my pain that you have ransomed my heart

The pain is the bait you hook me with

with out it I might never bite

where would I be then

lost at sea in an ocean of false hopes

For the things of earth will pass away but your word is everlasting.

Your word is the truth that frees my soul

In you I will trust

In you I will find peace

In you I will be made whole

Balloons of Hope

Blow Up Your BalloonsThis last week has been a rough one for me.   I spent a lot of time thinking about hope and what it is and what I have to hope for.  I’m trying to figure out just how I can keep my hope in  Christ, He is my foundation and rock that I stand on. But there are other things that I hope for because I am a child of God.  It is in hoping for those other things that trips me up in my life.

For me hope is like a balloon.  I can blow a balloon up fast making it big and its a good thing.  Other times balloons blow up slowly and gradually gaining size with time.  A fast balloon would be like winning a prize or something unexpected popping into my life to give me a sudden surge of hope in my future.  A slow balloon would be something that I have had to work hard for like graduating from college.  I’ve also learned that just like a balloon my hope can pop.  When it does it is not fun and can be very unexpected to the point of startling me.  Like balloons, hope in anything but Christ will eventually deflate leaving a person feeling empty.  There are times when I have lots of balloons different sizes and when one pops it may startle me but because I have lots of balloons it doesn’t steal all of my hope.  Then there are times like this week where  I had a large balloon that had blown up quickly and it popped big time…then with in a matter of hours more balloons began popping not deflating but popping.  By the end of the week I had lost 5 balloons and was scrambling to hang on to the few balloons I had left.  In fact I had this one balloon and I was just so sure it was going to pop and because I did not want to be startled or deal with the shock.  I decided to try to pop it myself.  That didn’t work so well for me.  It was like that game, some of you probably remember playing as kid, where you race to the chair with your balloon and try to pop it by sitting on it before you race back to your team.  It always seemed like I would get to the chair and that darn balloon just wouldn’t pop.  I’d sit on it but the air would squeeze from one side to the other refusing to pop.  I couldn’t pop that balloon so I walked away from it.  I know it will eventually deflate and I don’t want to be there when it does.

I still have my one big balloon that can’t be popped and will never deflate.  That is the balloon that will carry me to heaven.  God will always be there for me, no one can take him and no matter how hard I try to pop him he won’t pop.  I can choose to let go but that is when he grabs a hold of me and reminds me who I am.

After sleeping on this God has spoken to my heart to reveal a few more things to me and I decided I had to add more to this.  I don’t have to hang on to my big balloon because it is tied to the belt loop of my pants.  I may lose sight of it  but Jesus is the string that connects me to it.  I also don’t think I am supposed to “hang on to” my other balloons.  Perhaps all I’m called to do is blow them up and release them so God can use them to reach others.  I can’t stop them from popping or deflating but I can release them to be used by God.  I pray that the next time God gives me a balloon he can give me the strength to let it go when the time is right.


The Walking Dead


I was driving down the highway recently and I had this split second decision to make. You know the kind where that second seems like an eternity because of the thoughts flashing through your mind.  My choice was to “live” in that moment. I know its a little obvious since  I’m here writing this, but I thought I would share what flashed through my mind in that split second.

As I realized death was imminent I thought “this is it”.  The perfect accident was before me,  no one would know.  I could be done with this life and it would be viewed as an accident. I could rush into the arms of my savior and never again have to endure the sufferings of this cruel world.  Sure God doesn’t want me to give up but I know his grace would be there for me when I reach heavens gates.  If I choose to do nothing I die…..  Is that still suicide even if I didn’t cause death itself?  I realized in that second that I didn’t have to put a bullet in my head.  It could be as simple as choosing to do nothing.  I chose to live that morning by slamming on my brakes and steering for safety.  I chose to live, but my heart was not at peace with that choice.  See the last year people have been telling me “keep going” “put one foot in front of the other”  “pull yourself up by your boot straps” and my favorite from a friendly fish most of us know as Dori “just keep swimming”.  I realized I have spent a lot of time this last year simply existing.  Physically I was alive but inside I was dead as a door nail.  Inside I was choosing death, suicide of my heart.  This made me wonder how many people have never thought about suicide but have already given away to death in their heart.  If I make the choice to live physically I must also make the choice to live in my heart and not simply exist.  Physical death is permanent but suicide of the heart is not.  Christ died to resurrect our hearts so we all have the opportunity to live fully rather than exist as what I call the walking dead.

What does being fully alive look like if I’m choosing to live?  Life seems so mundane and boring most of the time.  I go to work, eat, sleep, do laundry, exercise ( a lot), talk to people and take care of my kids.  So really what does it mean to live life fully alive? All I can figure is that it means to do everything above and beyond what I am called to do.  Finding ways to put a smile on the faces of the people God puts in my life.  Don’t just do job to complete it but do it to the best of my ability.  I also think that is taking the time to truly listen to people and to be me ( if I can figure out what that is).  It is not putting on a show or saying what I think I should say.  This is what choosing to live and living for Christ means to me.  I don’t want to be part of the “walking dead”  I want to be constantly reminded to keep my heart beating.

So I’m a little curious.  What do you think living life “alive” looks like?  Leave me comment.   I’d love to hear what you think.

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