Archive | May 2013

Who I Really Am


When you meet someone the first thing they generally want to know is “Who are you?”

I’ve thought about who I am and what my response has been in the past and what I want my response to be in the future.

In a sense I get to choose who I am but often times I  let others define me.

So let me tell you a little about me.

I love to smile and charm the people around me.  I encourage lift up and support the people in my life.  I know how to appear confident and as if I have it all together.  But the cost of all that is: no one really knows me.  No one knows my deepest fears or deepest wounds.  No one really knows what makes me laugh or what burns my buttons.  So when I let others define me and all I let them see is this fun loving, happy, got it together kind of gal then the cost to me is loneliness.  I wind up trapped in my own illusion of who I need to be in order to be loved.  I have witnessed many people doing the same thing running in circles on this hamster wheel of life looking to the person next door to compare lives with or looking at the news media to see what is acceptable and what is not.

What if I accepted myself for who I really am instead of being embarrassed or ashamed of who God made me.

I am really the one who judges myself most of the time.  I falsely think or read into others perception of me far more than I should.  Even if I am right about it, how others perceive me doesn’t really matter because God is on my side and his grace is big enough to cover my biggest mistakes.

So I will go first with a glimpse of who I really am

I am a child of God

Beloved and precious in his sight

I don’t always believe it and my greatest fear is not being good enough

For having God reject me is death to my soul

I know this is a lie but it still haunts me

There was a point in my life where I believed it and gave up

I wasn’t strong enough but God picked me up and showed me the truth and now when the enemy haunts me

I remind myself that there is nothing I could possibly do to separate myself from Gods love

He has claimed me from the lost and found box

He has bought and paid for me, to never be returned

No on can steal his love from me

The only way I can lose it is if I reject it and walk away.

Even then when I return, his door is wide open with a welcome party waiting

I don’t know of anything else on earth that I can do that with and perhaps that is why the concept is so difficult for me to wrap my brain around.

So how about you?  What is your greatest fear for “real”?  and does anyone else really know?

All I Need

Having a Change in our Concept of Value as we See the Preciousness of Christ - We need to have a change in our concept of value!

          Dear God,

All I really have in this world is you.  You give me purpose and meaning to all that I do.

  Without you I am merely dust and all that I do is meaningless.

I have clung to you for most of my life.

You have warned me before my enemies attacked,

  You prepared me because you knew my life would be nearly stolen from me.

For a brief moment in time I thought I had failed you.

  You sent me help in my time of need.

You picked me up and showed me truth that I had never seen before.

  Now I walk a little bit slower but I am stronger.

I am no longer in a hurry for I know all things shall come to pass.

I live for what you place in front of me, not to chase after the things of this world.

  Your Love is all that I have, all that I need and really all that I am.

  So I guess that makes me like you.

  If you are love and your desire is for me to be like you, then you are turning me and everyone else who believes in you into love.

  You are knitting us together to be one with you because your desire was for companionship.

  You Lord did not want to be alone, so you created us to be the body of Christ.

  You want desperately for us to be united together in your Love.

So when I say all I need is “you”  know that “you”  includes everyone who believes in you

For with out them “you” would not have been able to warn me of my enemy

without them “you” would not have been able to prepare me

Without them “you” would not have been able to rescue me

Without them “you” would not have shown me the lies that held me captive

So please Lord use me

So that “you” can rescue, restore, and redeem others through me

Truth of My Heart

Dear God,

Here I am, I have nothing left within me, not even self-respect. 

Pain engulfs every facet of my being. 

Desires torture me endlessly.

  Please take them far away from me.

Why should I want, what I can never have?

You are all I can and should have.

It’s you and me bonded together for eternity.

Selfishness grips my soul and I long to kill all that is in me.  

  My sin is repulsive

How could I possibly be an example of you?

All I want is you…… but I keep falling short of your grace. 

You tell me who I am…. but I don’t see it.

I see an ugly, sinful, wounded heart. You see a whole, sinless, pure heart.

I can’t possibly be both. 

If I am to act like you see me and how you want me to be then I feel fake

as if I am deceiving to those around me.

  But if I am true to how I feel then no one should see me.

Pick me up and carry me please

Speak to me and guide my every step

Give me the words to say for I do not know the truth of my heart

The mirrors within me are but an illusion

I am lost and confused

I cannot find my way out

You though can save me,  cover me with your blood

Restore my heart and heal its brokenness

Protect my spirit so I may sing of your glory

Your daughter forever,

I don’t know where I’m going on this journey called life.  I’ve been told so many things lately and quite frankly I’m not sure I agree with any of them.  What I do know is that God loves me.  He hears my every cry and knows every pain of my heart.  No one will ever know me like he does.  God has met my needs most of the time by complete strangers who nothing of my story.  Their compassion for me amazes me every time.  I think God likes to do that so I know without a doubt that he is the one who meets my needs not the people around me who know my situation.  When I pray for something that no one else knows about and  God rises to meet that need my faith grows, not in people but in God.  When I tell people my pain or my needs I find myself looking to them to meet needs that no one other than God can possibly meet.  I know there are a lot of people who would disagree with this but if your listening to the spirit he will ask things of you that don’t make sense,  like stopping at a random house to see someone you don’t know so he can use you.  The number of times that I have spontaneously taken of my abundance and shared it with others has been countless.  I have had no knowledge of their need so when I find out later how much it really blessed them and how they were praying for it,  I am encouraged to keep stepping out for the sake of the call.  I don’t need people to know my pain in order for God to take care of me.  I just need to trust God and be real with him,  hiding nothing from him in the corners of my heart.

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The tears keep coming

I take a deep breath and push them down

I force my mind to happier times

Where the sun shines and children laugh

Then reality pulls me back

Oh no!

Here come the tears,

Here comes the pain

Oh Lord please!

When will my bottle be full?

How many tears must fall?

The pain will subside when I release it

I have to let go

I have to forgive and that’s not easy

Forgiveness is a skill that must be practiced

It is learned over time with the help of the Holy Spirit

It is not natural

It is a choice ……and a difficult one at that

It’s a choice that I don’t make once

 I make it every moment of every day

I am not perfect, so there are days I don’t forgive

God’s grace is there for me in those moments

The more that I choose forgiveness the easier it will be

See….Forgiveness isn’t for you

Its for me

Funny thing is the hardest person to forgive…….is myself