Archive | June 2013

But Where Mommy?

Faith that can move mountains!

What does that look like?

Every time I think I’ve figured it out I find myself in a situation that requires even more faith.  I used to think that I had a lot of faith and could weather any storm God allowed to cross my path. Don’t get me wrong.  My life wasn’t easy, but I had grown used to some of life’s rotating struggles and every time they came back around it got easier and easier to trust God. I had fallen into this comfortable little rut in my walk with God and eventually God said “enough!  It’s time to crawl out of your rut and start moving again.”  At first I didn’t mind because the road was straight and easy.  However it didn’t last long before the hills and curves came, and then my faith really began to get a workout.   A few months ago I was really struggling with not having enough faith.  I just didn’t think I had enough faith for what God had placed in front of me.  I would waver back and forth between “God’s got it covered” and total freaked out panic thinking ” What in the world am I going to do?”  I would be going through every possible scenario in my head of how I could possibly fix the situation.  The problem with my solutions was that they were all practically impossible.  Every time I would set out with a plan, it would get squashed. Finally at the last second everything would some how all fall into place at the perfect time.  I cannot tell you how many times that has happened to me and yet here I am panicked.  The thoughts going through my mind are not healthy ones and I will be the first to admit that. I should have a grasp on this with all the things God has done for me and I try to remind myself of all those things but this time it’s different.  This time its not the loss of work, or the loss of a car, or what ever the challenges prior may have been so…. its different….or so I think..

On the outside if anyone asks I seem calm, collected and as if everything is under control.  I can tell everyone I have faith and that I believe God’s got it under control,  but somewhere deep down inside there is a whisper that haunts me.  Its begging the question “is God really going to come through for me?  What if he doesn’t?  What if I don’t like his solution?  why am I struggling with this?”  Then I think I shouldn’t be struggling with this and I am such a weak christian because I am questioning God.  Questioning God…. who am I to question his ways?  Then that horrible feeling that I try to ignore because I know in my head its not true but it feels true.  I am a complete failure.  I shouldn’t be an example to anyone why do people even look up to me?  These are all lies and I know this.  But honestly not believing them is really hard.  I am not going to lie to you.  Telling myself the truth everyday over and over is the hardest thing I do because every time I turn around there is something going on that causes me to question my faith in God.  Then to add to my own struggle to hang on to what little faith I can muster up.  The enemy comes along with tempting little solutions that I know are just wrong.  But hey…everyone else is doing it.  Gods grace has me covered Right??? I really don’t want to do it and deep down I don’t think I could, so even struggling with the thoughts can be completely horrifying.  I just never understood why people did some of the crazy things they do.  The harder life gets though the more I understand and can have empathy for those who have given in to those temptations.   I can have momentary lapses in judgement when I’m panicked and wonder “what in the world am I doing?”  that is what grace is for.  God knows exactly how much I can handle and he may let me get right to the edge of the cliff but he never lets me fall.

Today was a rough day.  People who I thought were there and cared for me…bailed and then the enemy made a surprise attack and I lost hope.  Hope in people that is.  God reminded me though that my hope is in him and not people, not even respectable, good, safe, christian people.

Ps 62:5

Find rest O’ my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him alone.

I meditate on this verse as I think of what it looks like in action.  What does it look like when I hope in God?  Perhaps it’s resting in knowing that I can’t do it but at the same time not worrying about how God is going to do it.  I’m told I just need the faith of a mustard seed and that I know I have.  But what do I do while I wait for God to do his thing?  I think my daughter gave me the answer to this one tonight.

I had just finished bedtime prayer with her and she asked me “Mommy do we have to move?”  I told her “yes, we have to move”

“But where to?” her brows all furrowed up with concern

“I don’t know” I sigh in response

“Mommy I don’t want to be homeless” she whispers softly, her little voice cracking as she holds back her tears.

My heart breaks as I know her pain and worry all to well.

” Do you know the birds in the trees?”  I ask and she nods yes

“If God can provide homes for them don’t you think he can provide a home for us?”

“but where Mom? we can’t live outside” she asks

“I don’t know honey but I do know that God knows”

she looked at me with a smile and said “He has the perfect house, at the perfect place, at the perfect time for us.”

I smiled at her and said “yes dear he does”

with that she rolled over and went right to sleep.  As I sat there watching her as she breathed, looking so calm and innocent, God whispered in my heart and said “Child like faith” That’s it!  Being able to talk to God and hear his truth, accepting it without questioning it.  She had such trust and faith that she could let her worries go and fall to sleep as if I just told her that if it rains we’ll move the party inside no big deal!

knowing where I’m going to live might be a big deal to me but to God its as easy as moving the party inside when it rains.  I don’t know where I’m going and every time someone asks me what I’m going to do.  I have been telling them I don’t know but I do know that God will have the perfect place at the perfect time for the perfect price.  My daughter’s been listening and she spoke back to me my own words of life giving faith in the one God that can do anything.

So tonight even though the storms will rage outside my window I will sleep.  I will sleep, because I have quieted the voice inside of me that questions the validity of my God and his desires for me.

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God’s Dare

This year has turned out to be a very difficult one.  Back in January I could see the hurricane off the coast of my heart, having never seen one this size before I began to panic.  I did things and said things that probably didn’t make any sense but it was my desperate attempt to find answers to the questions spinning within my heart.  It was during this time as the winds of change were beating against my soul that God spoke to me so clearly it was as if he was sitting on the couch beside me.  Being the writer that I am, I instinctively picked up my journal and began to write out the words God tenderly spoke into my heart.

My Beloved,

I dare you to love me,

to follow me,

be an example of me,

to show others who I am through your actions.

No!  I won’t say that it will  be easy,

in fact it will be the hardest thing you do.

But don’t worry.

I will be there with you,

guiding your every step, opening and closing doors as you go.

The people who help you will be attacked,

some will prevail…… because they see me in you.

Some….. will walk away,

giving up the chance to see my glory.

I will redeem you… just as I’ve promised,

I will cradle you in my arms just as your heart longs to be.

No!

You are not crazy or weak minded, in fact you are the opposite.

The battle you fight is intense and you are strong,

do not be discouraged for I will lift you up.

I will carry the yoke for you.

Trust in me and let my love wash away your fears.

Real fears,

fears of past, present, and future.

I know the reality you face,

so step into  my love and grace,

experience the peace I have for you.

Remember……. you are mine and I am yours.

Nothing can take that away from you.

Sure,

you could walk away…. but I know you won’t,

I know this because I know your heart better than you do.

You do love me, believe in me and trust me with your whole being.

You may not feel like it but you are.

You need to believe you are everything I need you to be.

  Have faith in the unseen and know that my love washes over you,

cascading over every jagged rock in your heart,

I am making them smooth so you’ll shine like a diamond.

Strong enough to withstand everything yet crystal clear so people can see me in you.

You are my daughter, my bride, my love.

I love you more than you can conceive.

Don’t forget that in the struggles that lay ahead.

Your Father in Heaven

Written Feb 7,2013

My heart survived the first part of the hurricane and entered the eye of the storm.  Relieved I began to look at the damage left behind and attempted to make repairs before the rest of the storm arrived.  I did what I could to prepare for round two but to be honest I wasn’t looking so good.  I placed a smile on my face and picked up the motto “grin and bear it”.   I began chanting in my head ” I think I can! I think I can! I think I can!

The eye of the storm settled in and I discovered it can be quite deceiving.  The calmness can trick a person into thinking the storm has passed but a seasoned person knows the second round is inevitable, the only way out is to go through the swirling winds and rain again.  Waiting for its arrival, when the memory of swirling winds and drowning rain are fresh in your mind is torture.….I couldn’t handle the waiting game when I could see it coming.  I took off running headlong outside and threw myself into the wind and pelting rain.  I didn’t care how hurt I would be afterwards, I just wanted to get to the other side of the storm and I was going to fight my way there.  The winds of change have picked me up and I’m flying through the air now with common things turned deadly.  Open to the elements and exposed to the wrath of the storm I close my eyes and cry out to God “is it too late?”  I can’t go back that I know, but the fear has my eyes tightly closed because the sight before me is too much for my battered heart to take.  My self destructive nature has once more taken over.  I try to breathe as the lies spin me in circles.  I reach for something to grab onto and for a second I’ve got it.  Then the winds of doubt rip it from my grasp as I fight to keep my heart beating.  Trust God, Trust God I chant within me.  I open my eyes for a second and catch a glimpse of God through the storm,  He tells me “on purpose”.   On purpose!   I ponder in my mind its meaning.  Is it meant for me?  He knew I was going to run into the storm, He knew I couldn’t sit there and wait for what I saw was inevitable to happen.  He knew I would self destruct and take matters into my own hands to make it happen.  It was all on purpose!   He has a plan for me that I cannot see right now.  I remember his dare to me and the spoken words are what will carry me through the rest of this storm.  I don’t know who will be left standing beside me when its over but I do know my shattered heart is in his hands.

I’m not sure I believe redemption is possible for me here on earth….even when my feet touch the ground again.  I do believe that I will find it in heaven and no one can take that away from me.  I will not justify my reasons for running into the storm, nor will I let my scars define who I am when its all over.  I also will not allow the pain to cripple me but rather use it to fuel my passion to fight, not for me but for His PURPOSE!