Faith that can move mountains!
What does that look like?
Every time I think I’ve figured it out I find myself in a situation that requires even more faith. I used to think that I had a lot of faith and could weather any storm God allowed to cross my path. Don’t get me wrong. My life wasn’t easy, but I had grown used to some of life’s rotating struggles and every time they came back around it got easier and easier to trust God. I had fallen into this comfortable little rut in my walk with God and eventually God said “enough! It’s time to crawl out of your rut and start moving again.” At first I didn’t mind because the road was straight and easy. However it didn’t last long before the hills and curves came, and then my faith really began to get a workout. A few months ago I was really struggling with not having enough faith. I just didn’t think I had enough faith for what God had placed in front of me. I would waver back and forth between “God’s got it covered” and total freaked out panic thinking ” What in the world am I going to do?” I would be going through every possible scenario in my head of how I could possibly fix the situation. The problem with my solutions was that they were all practically impossible. Every time I would set out with a plan, it would get squashed. Finally at the last second everything would some how all fall into place at the perfect time. I cannot tell you how many times that has happened to me and yet here I am panicked. The thoughts going through my mind are not healthy ones and I will be the first to admit that. I should have a grasp on this with all the things God has done for me and I try to remind myself of all those things but this time it’s different. This time its not the loss of work, or the loss of a car, or what ever the challenges prior may have been so…. its different….or so I think..
On the outside if anyone asks I seem calm, collected and as if everything is under control. I can tell everyone I have faith and that I believe God’s got it under control, but somewhere deep down inside there is a whisper that haunts me. Its begging the question “is God really going to come through for me? What if he doesn’t? What if I don’t like his solution? why am I struggling with this?” Then I think I shouldn’t be struggling with this and I am such a weak christian because I am questioning God. Questioning God…. who am I to question his ways? Then that horrible feeling that I try to ignore because I know in my head its not true but it feels true. I am a complete failure. I shouldn’t be an example to anyone why do people even look up to me? These are all lies and I know this. But honestly not believing them is really hard. I am not going to lie to you. Telling myself the truth everyday over and over is the hardest thing I do because every time I turn around there is something going on that causes me to question my faith in God. Then to add to my own struggle to hang on to what little faith I can muster up. The enemy comes along with tempting little solutions that I know are just wrong. But hey…everyone else is doing it. Gods grace has me covered Right??? I really don’t want to do it and deep down I don’t think I could, so even struggling with the thoughts can be completely horrifying. I just never understood why people did some of the crazy things they do. The harder life gets though the more I understand and can have empathy for those who have given in to those temptations. I can have momentary lapses in judgement when I’m panicked and wonder “what in the world am I doing?” that is what grace is for. God knows exactly how much I can handle and he may let me get right to the edge of the cliff but he never lets me fall.
Today was a rough day. People who I thought were there and cared for me…bailed and then the enemy made a surprise attack and I lost hope. Hope in people that is. God reminded me though that my hope is in him and not people, not even respectable, good, safe, christian people.
Find rest O’ my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him alone.
I meditate on this verse as I think of what it looks like in action. What does it look like when I hope in God? Perhaps it’s resting in knowing that I can’t do it but at the same time not worrying about how God is going to do it. I’m told I just need the faith of a mustard seed and that I know I have. But what do I do while I wait for God to do his thing? I think my daughter gave me the answer to this one tonight.
I had just finished bedtime prayer with her and she asked me “Mommy do we have to move?” I told her “yes, we have to move”
“But where to?” her brows all furrowed up with concern
“I don’t know” I sigh in response
“Mommy I don’t want to be homeless” she whispers softly, her little voice cracking as she holds back her tears.
My heart breaks as I know her pain and worry all to well.
” Do you know the birds in the trees?” I ask and she nods yes
“If God can provide homes for them don’t you think he can provide a home for us?”
“but where Mom? we can’t live outside” she asks
“I don’t know honey but I do know that God knows”
she looked at me with a smile and said “He has the perfect house, at the perfect place, at the perfect time for us.”
I smiled at her and said “yes dear he does”
with that she rolled over and went right to sleep. As I sat there watching her as she breathed, looking so calm and innocent, God whispered in my heart and said “Child like faith” That’s it! Being able to talk to God and hear his truth, accepting it without questioning it. She had such trust and faith that she could let her worries go and fall to sleep as if I just told her that if it rains we’ll move the party inside no big deal!
knowing where I’m going to live might be a big deal to me but to God its as easy as moving the party inside when it rains. I don’t know where I’m going and every time someone asks me what I’m going to do. I have been telling them I don’t know but I do know that God will have the perfect place at the perfect time for the perfect price. My daughter’s been listening and she spoke back to me my own words of life giving faith in the one God that can do anything.
So tonight even though the storms will rage outside my window I will sleep. I will sleep, because I have quieted the voice inside of me that questions the validity of my God and his desires for me.