This year has turned out to be a very difficult one. Back in January I could see the hurricane off the coast of my heart, having never seen one this size before I began to panic. I did things and said things that probably didn’t make any sense but it was my desperate attempt to find answers to the questions spinning within my heart. It was during this time as the winds of change were beating against my soul that God spoke to me so clearly it was as if he was sitting on the couch beside me. Being the writer that I am, I instinctively picked up my journal and began to write out the words God tenderly spoke into my heart.
I dare you to love me,
to follow me,
be an example of me,
to show others who I am through your actions.
No! I won’t say that it will be easy,
in fact it will be the hardest thing you do.
But don’t worry.
I will be there with you,
guiding your every step, opening and closing doors as you go.
The people who help you will be attacked,
some will prevail…… because they see me in you.
Some….. will walk away,
giving up the chance to see my glory.
I will redeem you… just as I’ve promised,
I will cradle you in my arms just as your heart longs to be.
You are not crazy or weak minded, in fact you are the opposite.
The battle you fight is intense and you are strong,
do not be discouraged for I will lift you up.
I will carry the yoke for you.
Trust in me and let my love wash away your fears.
fears of past, present, and future.
I know the reality you face,
so step into my love and grace,
experience the peace I have for you.
Remember……. you are mine and I am yours.
Nothing can take that away from you.
you could walk away…. but I know you won’t,
I know this because I know your heart better than you do.
You do love me, believe in me and trust me with your whole being.
You may not feel like it but you are.
You need to believe you are everything I need you to be.
Have faith in the unseen and know that my love washes over you,
cascading over every jagged rock in your heart,
I am making them smooth so you’ll shine like a diamond.
Strong enough to withstand everything yet crystal clear so people can see me in you.
You are my daughter, my bride, my love.
I love you more than you can conceive.
Don’t forget that in the struggles that lay ahead.
Your Father in Heaven
Written Feb 7,2013
My heart survived the first part of the hurricane and entered the eye of the storm. Relieved I began to look at the damage left behind and attempted to make repairs before the rest of the storm arrived. I did what I could to prepare for round two but to be honest I wasn’t looking so good. I placed a smile on my face and picked up the motto “grin and bear it”. I began chanting in my head ” I think I can! I think I can! I think I can!
The eye of the storm settled in and I discovered it can be quite deceiving. The calmness can trick a person into thinking the storm has passed but a seasoned person knows the second round is inevitable, the only way out is to go through the swirling winds and rain again. Waiting for its arrival, when the memory of swirling winds and drowning rain are fresh in your mind is torture.….I couldn’t handle the waiting game when I could see it coming. I took off running headlong outside and threw myself into the wind and pelting rain. I didn’t care how hurt I would be afterwards, I just wanted to get to the other side of the storm and I was going to fight my way there. The winds of change have picked me up and I’m flying through the air now with common things turned deadly. Open to the elements and exposed to the wrath of the storm I close my eyes and cry out to God “is it too late?” I can’t go back that I know, but the fear has my eyes tightly closed because the sight before me is too much for my battered heart to take. My self destructive nature has once more taken over. I try to breathe as the lies spin me in circles. I reach for something to grab onto and for a second I’ve got it. Then the winds of doubt rip it from my grasp as I fight to keep my heart beating. Trust God, Trust God I chant within me. I open my eyes for a second and catch a glimpse of God through the storm, He tells me “on purpose”. On purpose! I ponder in my mind its meaning. Is it meant for me? He knew I was going to run into the storm, He knew I couldn’t sit there and wait for what I saw was inevitable to happen. He knew I would self destruct and take matters into my own hands to make it happen. It was all on purpose! He has a plan for me that I cannot see right now. I remember his dare to me and the spoken words are what will carry me through the rest of this storm. I don’t know who will be left standing beside me when its over but I do know my shattered heart is in his hands.
I’m not sure I believe redemption is possible for me here on earth….even when my feet touch the ground again. I do believe that I will find it in heaven and no one can take that away from me. I will not justify my reasons for running into the storm, nor will I let my scars define who I am when its all over. I also will not allow the pain to cripple me but rather use it to fuel my passion to fight, not for me but for His PURPOSE!