Tag Archive | brokenness

Why am I living?

Today has been rough for me, I’m exhausted and my heart aches inside.

I’m sitting here with my computer listening to the drizzle of the rain outside my window.  Yesterday I watched as another casket was lowered into the ground. I listened as they gave a 21 gun salute for a man who was there on D-Day to served our country.   Five funerals….. that’s how many I counted off the top of my head as I stood there. Five funerals in the last 2 years.  That’s a lot!

Tomorrow is my Birthday and I really don’t want to celebrate.  A friend asked me why yesterday and all I could think of was “why celebrate?”  To me its just another year of blood, sweat and tears gone by, another year closer to the day I die,

Really? What am I celebrating?

I suppose I’m celebrating life.  The opportunity to live rather than die. But what does that mean?

So I wonder am I really living and what am I living for?

I know what I’m supposed to say and supposed to think………but what is the truth?

What am I really living for?

Are my reason’s selfish?

Perhaps they are….am I living for my kids?  To give them a better life than I had and to teach them about God.

Is that really why I’m living?  Well it’s not enough…… at least not for me.  I can think of several people in my mind who could do a better job than I could at raising my kids. So what exactly am I living for?

It’s been 2 years since I first started this post.

I can now honestly say that I have an answer to that question and its not simply what I know I should say…. it IS what I am truly living for. It is the purpose that keeps me going when everything else falls through.

I used to believe that being a Christian meant that I would be persecuted and that I would face trials. While this is true I also believed that it wasn’t until I reached heaven that would experience true joy, love, peace and happiness. I didn’t see these things as things I could count on obtaining here on earth.

What I now believe to be true is that believing in God means that I have the power to claim his promises for joy, love, peace and happiness here on earth while I’m still living. I don’t have to wait till I get to heaven. I have the power now to change my circumstances and I have a Father who loves me even in my brokenness.  I am his cherished beloved daughter and with that comes the ability to stand before him and claim his blessings. I’ve seen God move mountains for me when I pray and I’ve witnessed first hand how I can speak things into existence with faith in a God who desires to give me all good things NOW not later.
All he asks of me is to trust him with the knowledge that he knows what is good for me and be patient with his timing knowing it will be perfect.
This is where I discovered my propose for living. To have a relationship with a God who loves me more than I can comprehend which enables me to have the opportunity to see other broken people in this world and speak life into them. This brings change and freedom to those who are trapped in this massive web of lies our culture endorses.

I’ve discovered that having the opportunity and ability to witness God work his miracles in other peoples lives so that they can be free and experience the joy I have……Is Priceless!

Before I go…
I don’t want to be misleading…… but just so you understand my life is not all roses and I do still experience persecution and trials. I still feel pain and I still bleed but the difference is…….. now I have HOPE.

Hope that with Christ I can overcome, change and rise above anything that comes my way. If I’m still breathing than there is purpose because I have found a hope that can never be stolen.  I have a peace that passes all understanding and a love for others that the world cannot recognize.

A love that never runs out…….

“You were made by God and for God and until you understand that, life will never make sense.” - Rick Warren: “You were made by God and for God and until you understand that, life will never make sense.” - Rick Warren

What if I was Jesus?

What if the blind man could see the stars in the sky but fail to see the hands that painted it?

What if the deaf man could hear the sound of whispers yet miss the calls of a loving Father?

What if the paralytic could feel ground but never the arms of a loving Father?

What if the lame could walk on water yet never make it home?

What if the man who could taste the richest of foods could not taste the sweetest of honey?

What if the man who lived the longest was the first to see his death?

What if the strongest man could lift a car but not his own heart?

As Jesus and his disciples were leaving Jericho a large crowd of people followed them. There were 2 blind men on the roadside just outside the city gates. They heard that Jesus was going by and cried out “Lord, Son of David, Have Mercy on Us! The crowd turned to the blind men rebuking them and telling them to be quiet. It was wrong for them to call out to the Messiah for help. Wrong of them to ask for what they so desperately needed. They were not worthy of Jesus’s time. That is what the crowd was saying to these blind men. The 2 blind men wouldn’t listen to the crowd of people instead they shouted louder and louder until they were screaming “Lord, Son of David, Have Mercy on Us!” Jesus stopped and called back to them saying “What do you want me to do for you?” “Lord,” they answered “we want our sight.”

Jesus had compassion on them and he touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and they followed him.

How many times have I walked past the city gates and seen the blind, the deaf, the paralytic, the adulteress, the prostitute, the orphans……….How many times have I tossed my coin and kept on walking? How many times have I said to myself “that’s all I am called to do.” How many times have not given it another thought? How many times have I inflated my ego by their misfortune?

Too many! That’s how many.

God showed me a very important message in this small passage.

What does this look like today, in our society? We don’t exactly have city gates, we do have those beggars on street corners with their card board signs. I’m not sure that is the same thing so hear me out on this. What if this little passage was more than just Jesus healing two blind men? What if it is an example of something far more important but shown in a physical way so that we might understand.

What if Jesus was showing us how we as Christians can reach out and touch someone? And no I’m not talking about calling them on the phone, but then again maybe I am. Maybe it is all about “reaching out and touching someone” not in the physical sense as Jesus did but in a relational sense.

Look around you and open your eyes. What do you see? I see a world of broken people. People who are hurting and wounded inside. Many of whom are blind and deaf, but don’t even know it. Some though are blind and deaf but do know it and are crying out for healing. They are even crying out for Jesus to heal them just like those two blind men. What if in order to experience healing they need to experience the touch of Jesus? How does that happen? I’ve been told by so many fellow believers that we are the hands and feet of Christ. If that is true then don’t we have the ability to reach out and touch the hurting? We can’t just touch them where we feel comfortable touching them. Jesus didn’t touch the blind men on the arm or simply shake their hands. He touched their EYES. He touched them in their wounds, where their deepest pain was. He didn’t tip toe around it either. He went straight for the heart of the pain and didn’t waste time.

How many times have I avoided a topic of conversation with a friend simply because their pain made me feel uncomfortable? Or maybe I wasn’t willing to be that person they needed me to be, because I was still hurting. Maybe I am too afraid of experiencing the pain they are in, as if it were contagious. How many times have treated someone like a leper? I know I am guilty just as much as I know I have been treated the same. So this brings me back to the main point. How much suffering is going on in the world around us because we as Christians are unwilling to be the hands and feet of Christ where it really matters? Giving of our hearts and sharing the joy and love we experience within the body of Christ with those that are wounded and hurting.

There are some things in my life that I have never experienced and there are areas of my heart that are deeply wounded. I have cried out in frustration and it seems as if the only response I get is the rebuke of the crowd so I wonder to myself “are they right???? or do I just scream louder?” The two blind men screamed louder but I wonder how long I will have to wait for the hands of Jesus to touch my pain so I might find healing. I always thought that if I prayed for healing for an emotional pain that it should be instantaneous, if I ask for forgiveness I should be able to snap my fingers and move on. I don’t believe it works that way. I believe God brings healing through people who are willing to be used to reach out and “touch” us where we need it. If we are hurt in a relationship it will be a relationship that brings us healing. It might even be a reconciliation of the same relationship or it could be a totally different person filling the same role that brings healing to the soul. I also think that sometimes it takes time because we are all human and we don’t always do what we are told, when we are told to do it.

Wow! That reminds me of obedience.

Moving on to that last little line in the story. Actually it’s not even a line it’s more like a phrase. Immediately they received their sight and they followed him! So if I take the time and the risk, to touch a wounded heart where it is the ugliest….. Healing could be immediate AND they could see the same Jesus that I see and follow me home to our Fathers house.

So now in the words of my Pastor “you think about that!”

God’s Dare

This year has turned out to be a very difficult one.  Back in January I could see the hurricane off the coast of my heart, having never seen one this size before I began to panic.  I did things and said things that probably didn’t make any sense but it was my desperate attempt to find answers to the questions spinning within my heart.  It was during this time as the winds of change were beating against my soul that God spoke to me so clearly it was as if he was sitting on the couch beside me.  Being the writer that I am, I instinctively picked up my journal and began to write out the words God tenderly spoke into my heart.

My Beloved,

I dare you to love me,

to follow me,

be an example of me,

to show others who I am through your actions.

No!  I won’t say that it will  be easy,

in fact it will be the hardest thing you do.

But don’t worry.

I will be there with you,

guiding your every step, opening and closing doors as you go.

The people who help you will be attacked,

some will prevail…… because they see me in you.

Some….. will walk away,

giving up the chance to see my glory.

I will redeem you… just as I’ve promised,

I will cradle you in my arms just as your heart longs to be.

No!

You are not crazy or weak minded, in fact you are the opposite.

The battle you fight is intense and you are strong,

do not be discouraged for I will lift you up.

I will carry the yoke for you.

Trust in me and let my love wash away your fears.

Real fears,

fears of past, present, and future.

I know the reality you face,

so step into  my love and grace,

experience the peace I have for you.

Remember……. you are mine and I am yours.

Nothing can take that away from you.

Sure,

you could walk away…. but I know you won’t,

I know this because I know your heart better than you do.

You do love me, believe in me and trust me with your whole being.

You may not feel like it but you are.

You need to believe you are everything I need you to be.

  Have faith in the unseen and know that my love washes over you,

cascading over every jagged rock in your heart,

I am making them smooth so you’ll shine like a diamond.

Strong enough to withstand everything yet crystal clear so people can see me in you.

You are my daughter, my bride, my love.

I love you more than you can conceive.

Don’t forget that in the struggles that lay ahead.

Your Father in Heaven

Written Feb 7,2013

My heart survived the first part of the hurricane and entered the eye of the storm.  Relieved I began to look at the damage left behind and attempted to make repairs before the rest of the storm arrived.  I did what I could to prepare for round two but to be honest I wasn’t looking so good.  I placed a smile on my face and picked up the motto “grin and bear it”.   I began chanting in my head ” I think I can! I think I can! I think I can!

The eye of the storm settled in and I discovered it can be quite deceiving.  The calmness can trick a person into thinking the storm has passed but a seasoned person knows the second round is inevitable, the only way out is to go through the swirling winds and rain again.  Waiting for its arrival, when the memory of swirling winds and drowning rain are fresh in your mind is torture.….I couldn’t handle the waiting game when I could see it coming.  I took off running headlong outside and threw myself into the wind and pelting rain.  I didn’t care how hurt I would be afterwards, I just wanted to get to the other side of the storm and I was going to fight my way there.  The winds of change have picked me up and I’m flying through the air now with common things turned deadly.  Open to the elements and exposed to the wrath of the storm I close my eyes and cry out to God “is it too late?”  I can’t go back that I know, but the fear has my eyes tightly closed because the sight before me is too much for my battered heart to take.  My self destructive nature has once more taken over.  I try to breathe as the lies spin me in circles.  I reach for something to grab onto and for a second I’ve got it.  Then the winds of doubt rip it from my grasp as I fight to keep my heart beating.  Trust God, Trust God I chant within me.  I open my eyes for a second and catch a glimpse of God through the storm,  He tells me “on purpose”.   On purpose!   I ponder in my mind its meaning.  Is it meant for me?  He knew I was going to run into the storm, He knew I couldn’t sit there and wait for what I saw was inevitable to happen.  He knew I would self destruct and take matters into my own hands to make it happen.  It was all on purpose!   He has a plan for me that I cannot see right now.  I remember his dare to me and the spoken words are what will carry me through the rest of this storm.  I don’t know who will be left standing beside me when its over but I do know my shattered heart is in his hands.

I’m not sure I believe redemption is possible for me here on earth….even when my feet touch the ground again.  I do believe that I will find it in heaven and no one can take that away from me.  I will not justify my reasons for running into the storm, nor will I let my scars define who I am when its all over.  I also will not allow the pain to cripple me but rather use it to fuel my passion to fight, not for me but for His PURPOSE!

Truth of My Heart

Dear God,

Here I am, I have nothing left within me, not even self-respect. 

Pain engulfs every facet of my being. 

Desires torture me endlessly.

  Please take them far away from me.

Why should I want, what I can never have?

You are all I can and should have.

It’s you and me bonded together for eternity.

Selfishness grips my soul and I long to kill all that is in me.  

  My sin is repulsive

How could I possibly be an example of you?

All I want is you…… but I keep falling short of your grace. 

You tell me who I am…. but I don’t see it.

I see an ugly, sinful, wounded heart. You see a whole, sinless, pure heart.

I can’t possibly be both. 

If I am to act like you see me and how you want me to be then I feel fake

as if I am deceiving to those around me.

  But if I am true to how I feel then no one should see me.

Pick me up and carry me please

Speak to me and guide my every step

Give me the words to say for I do not know the truth of my heart

The mirrors within me are but an illusion

I am lost and confused

I cannot find my way out

You though can save me,  cover me with your blood

Restore my heart and heal its brokenness

Protect my spirit so I may sing of your glory

Your daughter forever,

I don’t know where I’m going on this journey called life.  I’ve been told so many things lately and quite frankly I’m not sure I agree with any of them.  What I do know is that God loves me.  He hears my every cry and knows every pain of my heart.  No one will ever know me like he does.  God has met my needs most of the time by complete strangers who nothing of my story.  Their compassion for me amazes me every time.  I think God likes to do that so I know without a doubt that he is the one who meets my needs not the people around me who know my situation.  When I pray for something that no one else knows about and  God rises to meet that need my faith grows, not in people but in God.  When I tell people my pain or my needs I find myself looking to them to meet needs that no one other than God can possibly meet.  I know there are a lot of people who would disagree with this but if your listening to the spirit he will ask things of you that don’t make sense,  like stopping at a random house to see someone you don’t know so he can use you.  The number of times that I have spontaneously taken of my abundance and shared it with others has been countless.  I have had no knowledge of their need so when I find out later how much it really blessed them and how they were praying for it,  I am encouraged to keep stepping out for the sake of the call.  I don’t need people to know my pain in order for God to take care of me.  I just need to trust God and be real with him,  hiding nothing from him in the corners of my heart.

oh me. love.   # Pinterest++ for iPad #

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In Your Sorrow

I want you to know that my prayers are with you

Not just today, not just tomorrow, or next week or even next year.

But for years to come you will be in my prayers.

I know there are no words that can ease your pain

There is nothing I can do to fill the void left behind

The road set before you is difficult and unfair.

The pain inside you is excruciating to bear

 I won’t say that it will go away.

Because it won’t….

Over time though… if you let it

the pain will …. turn bittersweet

I know you can’t see past today right now

and that’s okay

I  just want you to know that I am here and my prayers are with you.

I dedicate this to John and Jane Gray as they grieve the loss of their son Devon who was taken from this world way too early.  May the Lord be with them in the years to come.

To Know You

If to know you means

I must be broken

Then break me

For I long to know you more

It is in my brokenness that I see you

So I say “Bring it on”

I want to know you in the joy and in the pain

To know you in the good times and the bad

I want to know you inside and out like the palm of my hand

You are what I desire

You are what I need

Only you can Love me this way.