Tag Archive | depression

Why am I living?

Today has been rough for me, I’m exhausted and my heart aches inside.

I’m sitting here with my computer listening to the drizzle of the rain outside my window.  Yesterday I watched as another casket was lowered into the ground. I listened as they gave a 21 gun salute for a man who was there on D-Day to served our country.   Five funerals….. that’s how many I counted off the top of my head as I stood there. Five funerals in the last 2 years.  That’s a lot!

Tomorrow is my Birthday and I really don’t want to celebrate.  A friend asked me why yesterday and all I could think of was “why celebrate?”  To me its just another year of blood, sweat and tears gone by, another year closer to the day I die,

Really? What am I celebrating?

I suppose I’m celebrating life.  The opportunity to live rather than die. But what does that mean?

So I wonder am I really living and what am I living for?

I know what I’m supposed to say and supposed to think………but what is the truth?

What am I really living for?

Are my reason’s selfish?

Perhaps they are….am I living for my kids?  To give them a better life than I had and to teach them about God.

Is that really why I’m living?  Well it’s not enough…… at least not for me.  I can think of several people in my mind who could do a better job than I could at raising my kids. So what exactly am I living for?

It’s been 2 years since I first started this post.

I can now honestly say that I have an answer to that question and its not simply what I know I should say…. it IS what I am truly living for. It is the purpose that keeps me going when everything else falls through.

I used to believe that being a Christian meant that I would be persecuted and that I would face trials. While this is true I also believed that it wasn’t until I reached heaven that would experience true joy, love, peace and happiness. I didn’t see these things as things I could count on obtaining here on earth.

What I now believe to be true is that believing in God means that I have the power to claim his promises for joy, love, peace and happiness here on earth while I’m still living. I don’t have to wait till I get to heaven. I have the power now to change my circumstances and I have a Father who loves me even in my brokenness.  I am his cherished beloved daughter and with that comes the ability to stand before him and claim his blessings. I’ve seen God move mountains for me when I pray and I’ve witnessed first hand how I can speak things into existence with faith in a God who desires to give me all good things NOW not later.
All he asks of me is to trust him with the knowledge that he knows what is good for me and be patient with his timing knowing it will be perfect.
This is where I discovered my propose for living. To have a relationship with a God who loves me more than I can comprehend which enables me to have the opportunity to see other broken people in this world and speak life into them. This brings change and freedom to those who are trapped in this massive web of lies our culture endorses.

I’ve discovered that having the opportunity and ability to witness God work his miracles in other peoples lives so that they can be free and experience the joy I have……Is Priceless!

Before I go…
I don’t want to be misleading…… but just so you understand my life is not all roses and I do still experience persecution and trials. I still feel pain and I still bleed but the difference is…….. now I have HOPE.

Hope that with Christ I can overcome, change and rise above anything that comes my way. If I’m still breathing than there is purpose because I have found a hope that can never be stolen.  I have a peace that passes all understanding and a love for others that the world cannot recognize.

A love that never runs out…….

“You were made by God and for God and until you understand that, life will never make sense.” - Rick Warren: “You were made by God and for God and until you understand that, life will never make sense.” - Rick Warren

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Learning To Ride A Bike

These past few months I’ve been disappointed with myself.  I’m sure a lot of people who know me would wonder why. 

The thing is… I’ve been ashamed of how I have reacted to some of life’s circumstances the last 2yrs.  Some people hit hard times and turn to alcohol, drugs, food or even work to numb the pain inside.   I didn’t do any of those instead I just plain and simple tried to give up.  I pleaded with God to let me just come home so I could be safe from the pain inflicted upon me.  The reality of my past and things that I had lived through were just to overwhelming for me.  I was ashamed of things that happened that I had absolutely no control over.  I was hurt, angry and searching for way to escape the pain.  Once I realized I had nothing to be ashamed of the weight I was carrying began to lift and peace began to settle in my soul.

  Our enemy is sneaky and he knows our every weakness.  He knew mine and he attacked with a vengeance.  He began telling me lies…

I should not have fallen like I did into depression. 

I should have been stronger. 

I should have fought harder. 

Where was my faith and trust? 

I must not be good enough because I wanted to quit and God’s children don’t quit. 

I was ashamed because I had been ashamed.  Wow! I must be crazy who else feels ashamed over being ashamed?  Talk about sneaky.  Now there’s my weakness….Never being good enough.  I am a failure! 

God keeps reminding me though  We are all FAILURES!  No one is perfect and that is nothing to be ashamed of.  Every time I fall off the bike and walk away God is there to pick me up and give me a push.  He tells me to keep my eyes up and look ahead at where I am going….not the ground.  He knows I’m going to fall and I know he’s going to be there to pick me up every time.   The day will come though when I can ride my bike right into heaven’s gates. For I know he will be there to welcome me home at last, beaming with the pride of a Father’s love.

Tear Drops for Heaven

Tear drops fall spilling over my heart’s wall

One by one they tell of my heart’s story

Tears of happiness, Tears of sadness

Tears of pain, Tears of shame

Each one is a reflection of my heart’s condition

Don’t stop the tears, Don’t hide the tears

Soak in the moment and feel the emotion

 Before its lost in the ocean

Tears of Tragedy, Tears of Reality

Each one is important, Every one with a purpose

Lessons to be learned, Memories to be made

Crystal clear and uniquely shaped

Each one treasured by the one who created them

Tears of sorrow, Tears of tomorrow

God wants our tears, each and everyone

Tears of laughter, Tears of happily ever after

He collects them in a bottle, he doesn’t miss a one

We must share our tears with loved ones big and small

For our sorrows today may be  sown in pain

But our tears of pain, He turns to gain

From our tears of death to our tears of life

God loves them all the same

And on that day of harvest

We’ll get to enjoy, Our sheaves of joy

Psalm 126 5-7

Those who sow in tears

will reap with songs of joy.

He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow,

will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.

I believe I sow my tears when I allow others to walk through the trials of life with me.   The longer my pain is hidden within me the uglier it becomes and eventually it comes oozing out in every aspect of my life.  It’s through sharing my pain that I can find healing and I’ve learned it is also an invitation for others to share their wounded hearts to find healing as well.

Inspired by Deb Butler

Written by Monica Thompson

Summer 2012