Tag Archive | failure

No Threats!

I woke up this morning and my phone was telling me that it scanned the Bible and found no threats.   I have to admit I smiled!

I found myself thinking about it quite a bit today; mostly because there was a point in my life where I couldn’t read my Bible without feeling defeated.

I knew about God’s grace but believed that because I was a christian I should be able to be “perfect” but perfection was elusive to my grasp.  I found it slipping away no matter how hard I tried.  I wanted nothing more than to please God, but every time I turned around it seemed as though I had failed.  I even thought that maybe I wasn’t really a christian and perhaps I should try asking Jesus to be my savior again.

I told myself I was silly with those thoughts but the feelings of defeat and despair haunted me.  Until I learned…….

That God’s grace goes forward just as much as it goes backwards.

No this is not a license to go do whatever I want and it doesn’t mean that I won’t reap what I sow.  What it does do is remove the fear of failure!  Rather than being concerned about doing the right thing in every situation I am free to be me and can accept my imperfections knowing that God is perfecting me over time not instantly…..

Now I read the Bible and rather than seeing a list of rules to live by I see advice that if I choose to follow will help me prosper.  This doesn’t mean life will always work out when I do the right thing but my chance to succeed will be greater if I do it God’s way.

So my smile this morning was because I know the Bible holds hundreds of little secrets to help me live my life better.  Secrets that God reveals to me exactly when I need to know them.  Secrets that heal the broken parts of my life and bring life to the dead.  Secrets that spare me pain and most of all bring me joy when nothing else can.

So the thought of the Bible threatening me was actually funny and I caught a glimpse of my own growth over the last five years.

 

 

 

 

Scruff of the Neck and Out of the Fire

Talk about a wild winter!   Who’s ready for some heat?

I think most everyone is a little tired of this snow and cold.

Everyone except me……

I’ve been quiet on my blog for almost 4 months and I’m sure some are wondering what happened to me.  So I thought it was time to share now that I have some answers.

I’ve been on a journey that has not been very fun.  Some people in my life have been hurt and I’m terribly sorry for that, but on the flip side I am not sorry for the things I’ve done or said.  I know that it must puzzle some of you reading this to try and understand but if you go back to my post titled “Balloons of Hope” you might get a better understanding of what I’m going to share.

I finally succeeded in popping that balloon that just didn’t want to pop.  The one you can bounce on ridiculously and it just expands to move the air out a different side.  Well I finally popped it and all the others that I thought would help my situation.  The only one I had left was God’s balloon and since it was tied to my belt loop there was no escaping when I got into some trouble back in December.

I felt like God picked me by the scruff of my neck and pulled me out of the fire.  He then set me down and told me to stop trying to jump over the flames.  That is easier said than done when you don’t see another way.  God then picked me up and began to carry me back across the burning coals toward the flames.  I was terrified as I could see the flames as we began to walk past and sometimes I even feel the heat, but I’m not burned.  It’s not always comfortable but Gods got me wrapped up in his arms protecting me as we walk through this furnace.  I didn’t create the furnace and neither did God, but I do have to get through it to get to the other side.  Sometimes I get anxious and try to do it myself but I’ve learned that if I continue to try to cross this furnace by myself I will keep falling short into the flames and will have to start all over again with a new set of burns.

Fires can be just like the balloons in life.  Balloons are good things that come along and give me hope but they can also distract me from my hope in God.  The fires though are challenges that can appear much scary than they really are.  If I allow my fear to overcome me and try to avoid them I will always wind up smack dab in the middle unable to see.  But I do know one thing for sure and that’s that God is faithful and will rescue me every time.

I have had situations in my life where I’ve gotten burned from jumping and I didn’t even realize I was jumping over a situation.  That has been my life for the last year or maybe even 2.  I didn’t even see the fire or even realize I was crossing it.  I could feel it and I knew it was there but I didn’t understand because I couldn’t see.  There were a few people in my life that I was screaming at in desperation for help but since I couldn’t see where I was  or the danger I was in…. I didn’t know what to ask for.  Instead, for the first time in my life, I screamed wildly and out of control lost in the dark billowing smoke.  I don’t know if all the people I hurt could see my situation and if they knew where I was but I hope they know that I’m sorry.

It’s taken a long time but I finally found the light.  The last 4 months God has been shining the light around showing me just where I have been and what I have been in the midst of.  He’s shown me how much danger there has been and how much he has saved me from.  So to say that I’m sorry for the things I’ve done would be wrong because if I hadn’t done or said them I wouldn’t know where I am today.  I would still be lost, feeling the excruciating pain of the flames I couldn’t see.  So if you feel like God’s got you by the scruff of the neck perhaps it’s time to relax and let him lead you out of the fire so he can show you where you’ve been and where you’re going to go.

Psalm 27:5

For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling.

Lesson’s in an Epic Failure

I recently had the opportunity to speak to a group of 20-30 youth, I wasn’t exactly thrilled since I have never spoken to a group like  that before.  Now speaking isn’t necessarily new because I’ve spoken at board meetings and small bible studies surrounded by friends but as far as a group of people I don’t know well……. to share something that God has placed on my heart, it was a first.  It all came about because the week before I found myself sitting in the back of the sanctuary as one of the leaders was giving the lesson and God began to press upon my heart to share a lesson I had struggled to learn that was along the same lines of topic being taught.  I went home and spent 3 days just praying about it and asking God what it was exactly I was supposed to share.  I knew the point and I knew the story I just wasn’t sure exactly how I was going to say it.  I am a writer so I’m used to planning out everything going down on paper and if I don’t think it sounds like what I’m trying to say I can always go back and reword things.  Speaking however is completely different and once a word is spoken there is no taking it back.  You can try to explain and maybe the listener will understand but maybe they won’t.

Sunday morning came and I found the courage to ask the leader if I could share.  The response was put together an outline with supporting scripture on the topic you would like to share and get back with me.  I went home thinking more about what I should say and the possible verses that would go with it.  After some prayer I came up with an outline and scriptures to go along.  I wouldn’t say that I was nervous,  I was just curious where God was going with this.  I didn’t think that I was qualified to be speaking and wasn’t sure how I would be received.  I also wasn’t convinced it would all come out the way I wanted it to either.  I have this problem that when I get in front of people my mind freezes and I can’t think straight so most of the time I don’t say much.  At a board meeting I’m usually just giving facts on a situation and it’s nothing personal.  This was different and knew that by sharing I had the ability to speak into the lives of others.  I didn’t want to say something wrong and negatively affect the lives of these kids.  My purpose was to share a struggle I’ve had in my own walk with God in hopes that it might encourage them and perhaps bring freedom to someone.

The night came and I thought I had realistic expectations of the evening.  I knew it wasn’t going to come out the way I wanted it to and I also knew that it might be an epic failure.  I did however know that it was what God was asking of me and that he would give me the words to say.  I also knew that he could take anything I said wrongly and fix it.  This was for God and no one else,….. so really no matter what happens it was in his hands.

I started with this prayer.

Lord,

I come before you tonight and thank you for all of the precious souls you have brought here tonight.  I thank you for the opportunity to speak to them and that you would soften their hearts so that might hear and see the words that are spoken.  I ask that you give them understanding and that my words might glorify you.  I pray also for your protection over us as we go home tonight and as we go through the next week.  I ask this all in Jesus name Amen.

After that I’m not really sure what I said.  I know what I intended to say and I know at some point I froze and wasn’t sure where I was at or where I was going.  I prayed and just let go of every expectation had.

What I tried to say was that just because I’m now a Christian doesn’t mean I’m never going to make a mistake again.  I used to think that if I was truly a Christian it meant that I would be given the ability to do the right thing all of the time.  Because that didn’t happen I was constantly asking Jesus into my heart.  I thought that somehow I must not have done something right if I kept screwing up.  I would hear of drug addicts and alcoholics who would change in one day.  I used to think that because I couldn’t just change at the snap of my fingers like they did, that something was wrong.  What a lie the enemy told me.  I knew all of the sin in my heart that I struggled with, we all have it and we all struggle with it.  Most of us hide it from everyone afraid to tell.  We are afraid of the judgment, afraid we have somehow not done something right.  The truth is……being a Christian doesn’t mean we won’t struggle with same sins but rather we are forgiven and free from them.  I guarantee you will still struggle but the battle is won and the world will take every opportunity to tell you of all the negative things that you are.  You can listen to the world and believe what it tells you or you can listen to God.  You can’t just know in your mind what the scripture says you are.  You have to believe it.  For the longest time I knew in my head what God said I was, but I didn’t believe it.  The world was constantly telling me all of these negative things about me and because I could see it myself it was so easy to believe.  I knew that God said I was beautiful, smart, and funny but to the world I also knew that I was ugly, stupid, and worthless.  I always told myself that it didn’t matter what the world thought of me because one day I would be in heaven where the truth was and I would be free.  What I learned after years of struggling is that it’s not enough to just know the truth of what God says of me.  I can be told a million times that God loves me and that he says I’m beautiful, but that didn’t help me believe because that was not how I was treated.  Not even by the church.

 1 John 3:16
This is how we know what love is….Jesus Christ laid down his life for us, and we ought lay down our lives for our brothers.  Dear children let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth,  this then is how we know that we belong to the truth,  and this is how we put our hearts at rest whenever our hearts condemn us.  For God is greater than our hearts and he knows everything
.

I had been told by people and read in the bible over and over how special I was to God but what I didn’t experience was that truth followed up by action.  It wasn’t until someone actually took the time to show me by their actions that I truly began to believe the truth in God’s word.  This is why it is so important that our actions match the words out of our mouths especially since we all know actions speak louder than words.  What are your actions telling the people in your life?  How can you show the person next you that you love them?

Below is a little something that I read to myself when all I can hear is the world telling me how bad I am.

Daughter of the King

Listen to yourself

What are you saying?

Did you screw up?

Do you think you are stupid?

Are you crazy, fat, ugly or worthless?

You would never tell anyone…..would you?

You hide it inside

Ashamed of the truth of who you think you are.

Is it really you?

Stop!

Listen again

Do you hear it?

There’s a faint whisper

What do you hear?

What is it saying?

You’re smart

You’re sane

You’re the beautiful daughter of a King

Listen closely

It gets louder

Louder every time you hear

Louder with each word

Till it SCREAMS and you can no longer deny

Deny who you are

Smart, Sane, Beautiful daughter of a King

Not just any King

The King

The King of all kings

He has claimed you

You are his

To him you are smart, sane, beautiful

Perfect just the way you are

Precious daughter of the King

I know I’m not perfect and I also know that everything didn’t come out the way that I wanted it to that night.  I do know that I was obedient to what God asked me to do and that I did it to glorify him.  I also think some might think it was an epic failure or so I heard.  What I didn’t expect in all of this is that God would give me the opportunity to walk out what I just shared in my own life.  The test came just 15 minutes after I finished.  The world telling me I was wrong this time it was even in words.  I had a choice what was I going to believe?

I curled in the stairwell and prayed searching for the truth in the words I had heard.  I went home that night and a friend prayed with me asking God to please convict me of anything that I may have shared that was wrong and if not to please show me clarity in the situation.

I woke up early the next morning to go for my run and while I was out God began to speak.

Monica,

Didn’t you just speak on not listening to who the world says you are but to who I say you are?

Yes Lord.

Who do I say you are?

I am your beloved daughter.

Did you get up and speak because I asked you to?

Yes Lord I did

Then your motive was pure and you were obedient to the calling I gave you.  I am the one who determines if it was a failure, not those other people.

There is a lesson here.  You didn’t exactly do as I asked.  You did what you thought they wanted not what I asked of you.  You took your story and tried to teach it.  That is not your talent.  Your talent is telling stories whether it be in writing or speaking.  Follow my son, did he teach? Or did he tell parables?

He told parables!

Monica,   sometimes our epic failures are simply to show us what we are not good at, so we can discover what we are good at.  You my darling, are good at parables, don’t try to teach, let the lessons come naturally through your story and they will be more meaningful to your audience.

I’m sure there are people in my life who might read this and judge me harshly and I don’t care.  I used to, but I’ve given up caring what anyone in this world thinks of me.  I know my savior is tucked safely in the core of my being, breathing life into each beat of my heart.  I will say that it is easier to believe what God says about me when the church backs up those words with action.  But even if they don’t, I’ve learned to believe in the truth of God’s word and its through his grace that I am able to extend forgiveness to those who have hurt me.


 

But Where Mommy?

Faith that can move mountains!

What does that look like?

Every time I think I’ve figured it out I find myself in a situation that requires even more faith.  I used to think that I had a lot of faith and could weather any storm God allowed to cross my path. Don’t get me wrong.  My life wasn’t easy, but I had grown used to some of life’s rotating struggles and every time they came back around it got easier and easier to trust God. I had fallen into this comfortable little rut in my walk with God and eventually God said “enough!  It’s time to crawl out of your rut and start moving again.”  At first I didn’t mind because the road was straight and easy.  However it didn’t last long before the hills and curves came, and then my faith really began to get a workout.   A few months ago I was really struggling with not having enough faith.  I just didn’t think I had enough faith for what God had placed in front of me.  I would waver back and forth between “God’s got it covered” and total freaked out panic thinking ” What in the world am I going to do?”  I would be going through every possible scenario in my head of how I could possibly fix the situation.  The problem with my solutions was that they were all practically impossible.  Every time I would set out with a plan, it would get squashed. Finally at the last second everything would some how all fall into place at the perfect time.  I cannot tell you how many times that has happened to me and yet here I am panicked.  The thoughts going through my mind are not healthy ones and I will be the first to admit that. I should have a grasp on this with all the things God has done for me and I try to remind myself of all those things but this time it’s different.  This time its not the loss of work, or the loss of a car, or what ever the challenges prior may have been so…. its different….or so I think..

On the outside if anyone asks I seem calm, collected and as if everything is under control.  I can tell everyone I have faith and that I believe God’s got it under control,  but somewhere deep down inside there is a whisper that haunts me.  Its begging the question “is God really going to come through for me?  What if he doesn’t?  What if I don’t like his solution?  why am I struggling with this?”  Then I think I shouldn’t be struggling with this and I am such a weak christian because I am questioning God.  Questioning God…. who am I to question his ways?  Then that horrible feeling that I try to ignore because I know in my head its not true but it feels true.  I am a complete failure.  I shouldn’t be an example to anyone why do people even look up to me?  These are all lies and I know this.  But honestly not believing them is really hard.  I am not going to lie to you.  Telling myself the truth everyday over and over is the hardest thing I do because every time I turn around there is something going on that causes me to question my faith in God.  Then to add to my own struggle to hang on to what little faith I can muster up.  The enemy comes along with tempting little solutions that I know are just wrong.  But hey…everyone else is doing it.  Gods grace has me covered Right??? I really don’t want to do it and deep down I don’t think I could, so even struggling with the thoughts can be completely horrifying.  I just never understood why people did some of the crazy things they do.  The harder life gets though the more I understand and can have empathy for those who have given in to those temptations.   I can have momentary lapses in judgement when I’m panicked and wonder “what in the world am I doing?”  that is what grace is for.  God knows exactly how much I can handle and he may let me get right to the edge of the cliff but he never lets me fall.

Today was a rough day.  People who I thought were there and cared for me…bailed and then the enemy made a surprise attack and I lost hope.  Hope in people that is.  God reminded me though that my hope is in him and not people, not even respectable, good, safe, christian people.

Ps 62:5

Find rest O’ my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him alone.

I meditate on this verse as I think of what it looks like in action.  What does it look like when I hope in God?  Perhaps it’s resting in knowing that I can’t do it but at the same time not worrying about how God is going to do it.  I’m told I just need the faith of a mustard seed and that I know I have.  But what do I do while I wait for God to do his thing?  I think my daughter gave me the answer to this one tonight.

I had just finished bedtime prayer with her and she asked me “Mommy do we have to move?”  I told her “yes, we have to move”

“But where to?” her brows all furrowed up with concern

“I don’t know” I sigh in response

“Mommy I don’t want to be homeless” she whispers softly, her little voice cracking as she holds back her tears.

My heart breaks as I know her pain and worry all to well.

” Do you know the birds in the trees?”  I ask and she nods yes

“If God can provide homes for them don’t you think he can provide a home for us?”

“but where Mom? we can’t live outside” she asks

“I don’t know honey but I do know that God knows”

she looked at me with a smile and said “He has the perfect house, at the perfect place, at the perfect time for us.”

I smiled at her and said “yes dear he does”

with that she rolled over and went right to sleep.  As I sat there watching her as she breathed, looking so calm and innocent, God whispered in my heart and said “Child like faith” That’s it!  Being able to talk to God and hear his truth, accepting it without questioning it.  She had such trust and faith that she could let her worries go and fall to sleep as if I just told her that if it rains we’ll move the party inside no big deal!

knowing where I’m going to live might be a big deal to me but to God its as easy as moving the party inside when it rains.  I don’t know where I’m going and every time someone asks me what I’m going to do.  I have been telling them I don’t know but I do know that God will have the perfect place at the perfect time for the perfect price.  My daughter’s been listening and she spoke back to me my own words of life giving faith in the one God that can do anything.

So tonight even though the storms will rage outside my window I will sleep.  I will sleep, because I have quieted the voice inside of me that questions the validity of my God and his desires for me.

God’s Dare

This year has turned out to be a very difficult one.  Back in January I could see the hurricane off the coast of my heart, having never seen one this size before I began to panic.  I did things and said things that probably didn’t make any sense but it was my desperate attempt to find answers to the questions spinning within my heart.  It was during this time as the winds of change were beating against my soul that God spoke to me so clearly it was as if he was sitting on the couch beside me.  Being the writer that I am, I instinctively picked up my journal and began to write out the words God tenderly spoke into my heart.

My Beloved,

I dare you to love me,

to follow me,

be an example of me,

to show others who I am through your actions.

No!  I won’t say that it will  be easy,

in fact it will be the hardest thing you do.

But don’t worry.

I will be there with you,

guiding your every step, opening and closing doors as you go.

The people who help you will be attacked,

some will prevail…… because they see me in you.

Some….. will walk away,

giving up the chance to see my glory.

I will redeem you… just as I’ve promised,

I will cradle you in my arms just as your heart longs to be.

No!

You are not crazy or weak minded, in fact you are the opposite.

The battle you fight is intense and you are strong,

do not be discouraged for I will lift you up.

I will carry the yoke for you.

Trust in me and let my love wash away your fears.

Real fears,

fears of past, present, and future.

I know the reality you face,

so step into  my love and grace,

experience the peace I have for you.

Remember……. you are mine and I am yours.

Nothing can take that away from you.

Sure,

you could walk away…. but I know you won’t,

I know this because I know your heart better than you do.

You do love me, believe in me and trust me with your whole being.

You may not feel like it but you are.

You need to believe you are everything I need you to be.

  Have faith in the unseen and know that my love washes over you,

cascading over every jagged rock in your heart,

I am making them smooth so you’ll shine like a diamond.

Strong enough to withstand everything yet crystal clear so people can see me in you.

You are my daughter, my bride, my love.

I love you more than you can conceive.

Don’t forget that in the struggles that lay ahead.

Your Father in Heaven

Written Feb 7,2013

My heart survived the first part of the hurricane and entered the eye of the storm.  Relieved I began to look at the damage left behind and attempted to make repairs before the rest of the storm arrived.  I did what I could to prepare for round two but to be honest I wasn’t looking so good.  I placed a smile on my face and picked up the motto “grin and bear it”.   I began chanting in my head ” I think I can! I think I can! I think I can!

The eye of the storm settled in and I discovered it can be quite deceiving.  The calmness can trick a person into thinking the storm has passed but a seasoned person knows the second round is inevitable, the only way out is to go through the swirling winds and rain again.  Waiting for its arrival, when the memory of swirling winds and drowning rain are fresh in your mind is torture.….I couldn’t handle the waiting game when I could see it coming.  I took off running headlong outside and threw myself into the wind and pelting rain.  I didn’t care how hurt I would be afterwards, I just wanted to get to the other side of the storm and I was going to fight my way there.  The winds of change have picked me up and I’m flying through the air now with common things turned deadly.  Open to the elements and exposed to the wrath of the storm I close my eyes and cry out to God “is it too late?”  I can’t go back that I know, but the fear has my eyes tightly closed because the sight before me is too much for my battered heart to take.  My self destructive nature has once more taken over.  I try to breathe as the lies spin me in circles.  I reach for something to grab onto and for a second I’ve got it.  Then the winds of doubt rip it from my grasp as I fight to keep my heart beating.  Trust God, Trust God I chant within me.  I open my eyes for a second and catch a glimpse of God through the storm,  He tells me “on purpose”.   On purpose!   I ponder in my mind its meaning.  Is it meant for me?  He knew I was going to run into the storm, He knew I couldn’t sit there and wait for what I saw was inevitable to happen.  He knew I would self destruct and take matters into my own hands to make it happen.  It was all on purpose!   He has a plan for me that I cannot see right now.  I remember his dare to me and the spoken words are what will carry me through the rest of this storm.  I don’t know who will be left standing beside me when its over but I do know my shattered heart is in his hands.

I’m not sure I believe redemption is possible for me here on earth….even when my feet touch the ground again.  I do believe that I will find it in heaven and no one can take that away from me.  I will not justify my reasons for running into the storm, nor will I let my scars define who I am when its all over.  I also will not allow the pain to cripple me but rather use it to fuel my passion to fight, not for me but for His PURPOSE!

Who I Really Am

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When you meet someone the first thing they generally want to know is “Who are you?”

I’ve thought about who I am and what my response has been in the past and what I want my response to be in the future.

In a sense I get to choose who I am but often times I  let others define me.

So let me tell you a little about me.

I love to smile and charm the people around me.  I encourage lift up and support the people in my life.  I know how to appear confident and as if I have it all together.  But the cost of all that is: no one really knows me.  No one knows my deepest fears or deepest wounds.  No one really knows what makes me laugh or what burns my buttons.  So when I let others define me and all I let them see is this fun loving, happy, got it together kind of gal then the cost to me is loneliness.  I wind up trapped in my own illusion of who I need to be in order to be loved.  I have witnessed many people doing the same thing running in circles on this hamster wheel of life looking to the person next door to compare lives with or looking at the news media to see what is acceptable and what is not.

What if I accepted myself for who I really am instead of being embarrassed or ashamed of who God made me.

I am really the one who judges myself most of the time.  I falsely think or read into others perception of me far more than I should.  Even if I am right about it, how others perceive me doesn’t really matter because God is on my side and his grace is big enough to cover my biggest mistakes.

So I will go first with a glimpse of who I really am

I am a child of God

Beloved and precious in his sight

I don’t always believe it and my greatest fear is not being good enough

For having God reject me is death to my soul

I know this is a lie but it still haunts me

There was a point in my life where I believed it and gave up

I wasn’t strong enough but God picked me up and showed me the truth and now when the enemy haunts me

I remind myself that there is nothing I could possibly do to separate myself from Gods love

He has claimed me from the lost and found box

He has bought and paid for me, to never be returned

No on can steal his love from me

The only way I can lose it is if I reject it and walk away.

Even then when I return, his door is wide open with a welcome party waiting

I don’t know of anything else on earth that I can do that with and perhaps that is why the concept is so difficult for me to wrap my brain around.

So how about you?  What is your greatest fear for “real”?  and does anyone else really know?

All I Need

Having a Change in our Concept of Value as we See the Preciousness of Christ - We need to have a change in our concept of value!

          Dear God,

All I really have in this world is you.  You give me purpose and meaning to all that I do.

  Without you I am merely dust and all that I do is meaningless.

I have clung to you for most of my life.

You have warned me before my enemies attacked,

  You prepared me because you knew my life would be nearly stolen from me.

For a brief moment in time I thought I had failed you.

  You sent me help in my time of need.

You picked me up and showed me truth that I had never seen before.

  Now I walk a little bit slower but I am stronger.

I am no longer in a hurry for I know all things shall come to pass.

I live for what you place in front of me, not to chase after the things of this world.

  Your Love is all that I have, all that I need and really all that I am.

  So I guess that makes me like you.

  If you are love and your desire is for me to be like you, then you are turning me and everyone else who believes in you into love.

  You are knitting us together to be one with you because your desire was for companionship.

  You Lord did not want to be alone, so you created us to be the body of Christ.

  You want desperately for us to be united together in your Love.

So when I say all I need is “you”  know that “you”  includes everyone who believes in you

For with out them “you” would not have been able to warn me of my enemy

without them “you” would not have been able to prepare me

Without them “you” would not have been able to rescue me

Without them “you” would not have shown me the lies that held me captive

So please Lord use me

So that “you” can rescue, restore, and redeem others through me

Truth of My Heart

Dear God,

Here I am, I have nothing left within me, not even self-respect. 

Pain engulfs every facet of my being. 

Desires torture me endlessly.

  Please take them far away from me.

Why should I want, what I can never have?

You are all I can and should have.

It’s you and me bonded together for eternity.

Selfishness grips my soul and I long to kill all that is in me.  

  My sin is repulsive

How could I possibly be an example of you?

All I want is you…… but I keep falling short of your grace. 

You tell me who I am…. but I don’t see it.

I see an ugly, sinful, wounded heart. You see a whole, sinless, pure heart.

I can’t possibly be both. 

If I am to act like you see me and how you want me to be then I feel fake

as if I am deceiving to those around me.

  But if I am true to how I feel then no one should see me.

Pick me up and carry me please

Speak to me and guide my every step

Give me the words to say for I do not know the truth of my heart

The mirrors within me are but an illusion

I am lost and confused

I cannot find my way out

You though can save me,  cover me with your blood

Restore my heart and heal its brokenness

Protect my spirit so I may sing of your glory

Your daughter forever,

I don’t know where I’m going on this journey called life.  I’ve been told so many things lately and quite frankly I’m not sure I agree with any of them.  What I do know is that God loves me.  He hears my every cry and knows every pain of my heart.  No one will ever know me like he does.  God has met my needs most of the time by complete strangers who nothing of my story.  Their compassion for me amazes me every time.  I think God likes to do that so I know without a doubt that he is the one who meets my needs not the people around me who know my situation.  When I pray for something that no one else knows about and  God rises to meet that need my faith grows, not in people but in God.  When I tell people my pain or my needs I find myself looking to them to meet needs that no one other than God can possibly meet.  I know there are a lot of people who would disagree with this but if your listening to the spirit he will ask things of you that don’t make sense,  like stopping at a random house to see someone you don’t know so he can use you.  The number of times that I have spontaneously taken of my abundance and shared it with others has been countless.  I have had no knowledge of their need so when I find out later how much it really blessed them and how they were praying for it,  I am encouraged to keep stepping out for the sake of the call.  I don’t need people to know my pain in order for God to take care of me.  I just need to trust God and be real with him,  hiding nothing from him in the corners of my heart.

oh me. love.   # Pinterest++ for iPad #

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Forgiveness

The tears keep coming

I take a deep breath and push them down

I force my mind to happier times

Where the sun shines and children laugh

Then reality pulls me back

Oh no!

Here come the tears,

Here comes the pain

Oh Lord please!

When will my bottle be full?

How many tears must fall?

The pain will subside when I release it

I have to let go

I have to forgive and that’s not easy

Forgiveness is a skill that must be practiced

It is learned over time with the help of the Holy Spirit

It is not natural

It is a choice ……and a difficult one at that

It’s a choice that I don’t make once

 I make it every moment of every day

I am not perfect, so there are days I don’t forgive

God’s grace is there for me in those moments

The more that I choose forgiveness the easier it will be

See….Forgiveness isn’t for you

Its for me

Funny thing is the hardest person to forgive…….is myself

Learning To Ride A Bike

These past few months I’ve been disappointed with myself.  I’m sure a lot of people who know me would wonder why. 

The thing is… I’ve been ashamed of how I have reacted to some of life’s circumstances the last 2yrs.  Some people hit hard times and turn to alcohol, drugs, food or even work to numb the pain inside.   I didn’t do any of those instead I just plain and simple tried to give up.  I pleaded with God to let me just come home so I could be safe from the pain inflicted upon me.  The reality of my past and things that I had lived through were just to overwhelming for me.  I was ashamed of things that happened that I had absolutely no control over.  I was hurt, angry and searching for way to escape the pain.  Once I realized I had nothing to be ashamed of the weight I was carrying began to lift and peace began to settle in my soul.

  Our enemy is sneaky and he knows our every weakness.  He knew mine and he attacked with a vengeance.  He began telling me lies…

I should not have fallen like I did into depression. 

I should have been stronger. 

I should have fought harder. 

Where was my faith and trust? 

I must not be good enough because I wanted to quit and God’s children don’t quit. 

I was ashamed because I had been ashamed.  Wow! I must be crazy who else feels ashamed over being ashamed?  Talk about sneaky.  Now there’s my weakness….Never being good enough.  I am a failure! 

God keeps reminding me though  We are all FAILURES!  No one is perfect and that is nothing to be ashamed of.  Every time I fall off the bike and walk away God is there to pick me up and give me a push.  He tells me to keep my eyes up and look ahead at where I am going….not the ground.  He knows I’m going to fall and I know he’s going to be there to pick me up every time.   The day will come though when I can ride my bike right into heaven’s gates. For I know he will be there to welcome me home at last, beaming with the pride of a Father’s love.