Tag Archive | inspiration

Fearlessly Living In 2016

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That was the word God gave me at the start of this year.

I had all of these ideas of what I thought God was going to do this year to make me fearless but I quickly realized I had no clue what I was in for.  I’ve been surprised by the direction God has taken me the last twelve months and have been blessed through the journey  in so many ways that I thought I would share.

Over the course of the year I encountered many fears.  I experienced the fear of serious illness with my daughter, the fear of driving after having 3 accidents in 4 weeks, the fear of spiders, the fear of swimming, the fear of judgement, the fear of rejection, and the hardest one is the fear of being loved.

I cannot say that I conquered all of my fears but I can say that I learned a lot about them and that they don’t have the same power to control me like they did previously.  I originally thought that by some miracle God was going to give me the strength to face my fears, but that was not the case.  My fears were all still there…..but what God did do was reveal to me truths about  what I feared and why I feared it.  He then reminded me of his truth that gave me the strength I needed to face those fears.  God then gave me opportunities to walk out what he was teaching me by placing me in situations that allowed me to choose courage over paralyzing fear.

I learned that fear reveals what I value or feel that I need.  For example the fear of illness would show that I value my health or the fear of rejection shows that I value being accepted.  The fear of failure reveals my desire for perfection and so on.

My fear can also tell me how much or how little I trust God.  Scripture tells us that we are to fear God and only God.  When I allow myself to fear other things I am doing one of two things.  I am either valuing whatever it is I fear losing more than I value God or I am essentially telling God I don’t trust you to provide what I need.

So all of this brought up some questions…….

Is it wrong to value health, acceptance and perfection?

During the course of the year I learned that perhaps it’s how much I fear.  Fear can be healthy and keep me from harm.  For example the fear of being sick makes me wash my hands, but if the fear of being sick keeps me from ever leaving my house then I wouldn’t be trusting God.  This concept works for some fears that can be explained but what about the fears that can’t be explained?

There are real fears that can be logically explained and are generally accepted by other people.  Then there are fears that aren’t logical that can’t be explained.  I learned that just because it can’t be explained doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be listened to for example..

I faced a fear this year by agreeing to meet with someone who claimed that they just wanted to meet with me to get to know me better.  I was unsettled about the meeting and I didn’t understand why.  So I prayed……and right before I walked into the meeting God reminded me of Ps91.

The meeting turned out to be an attack and I was face to face with  the very real fear of judgement from church leadership and the rejection of a community of people who were supposed to love me as Christ loves us.    I chose courage that day! I didn’t run out the door in shame.  I asked what my sin was.  What was the reason behind their decision to tell me that I was no longer allowed to participate in any of their church events on or off of their property?  I was told that I was making bad choices….the example I was given was that I sat in the wrong row on Sunday morning, I had a divisive spirit but couldn’t tell me what made me divisive and had a habit of being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

I started to defend myself and then I remembered Ps91 and stopped.  I chose courage and surrendered the battle to God.

I then asked if this meant that no one at the church wanted to be my friend.  I was told that everyone loved me and that they were praying for me.  That leaving is the best thing for me and that they would be praying that there was another church somewhere in town that I could belong to.  I wanted to run before they could see me cry but instead I chose courage!

I sat there and didn’t just cry I sobbed and when they tried to touch me I asked them not to.  When they asked me to leave I didn’t.  I chose courage!

The courage to feel the pain and courage to let them see the pain they had inflicted upon me.  They crushed my heart in the name of God as if he willed what they were doing to me.  As they prayed for me to know who I was in Christ I was praying that God would reveal his truth to them.  I knew who I was in Christ and I didn’t need to be reminded.  I knew that the God I knew was not standing in agreement with what they were doing.  God’s heart was breaking with mine and while every thought of who they thought I was flashed through my mind attacking my soul, I was reminded of a vision I had back in 2012.  In my vision I was being attacked by evil spirits and every time they came at me there was something behind me guiding me in how to swing my sword.  The experience was effortless and I had no fear.  So I reached for my sword and the let Spirit of God guide me through each attack in my mind. When I was finished I did get up and leave but I didn’t get in my car.  I chose courage!

I called a friend who came and I shared what happened.  Shame and fear would’ve kept me from telling anyone at all.  I then chose courage by allowing her to follow me home to make sure I made it there safely.  I allowed her to love me.

Hiding my pain from those who have hurt me only serves my pride and enables them to walk away without guilt and the notion that they are doing the right thing.  I have not returned to that church because the fear is real and I have no desire to be attacked again.  This is a healthy fear that I need to listen to.  I don’t need to be right in their eyes……I only have to respond in love and when the flesh is crying for justice sometimes the courageous response is to run away and let God take care of them.

Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I had listened to my fear and refused to meet with them.  I may not have been attacked that day but that doesn’t mean something wouldn’t have happened eventually.  I don’t regret going or see my decisions as a mistake, I see it growing my faith because I saw God there with me.  He was giving me what I needed in that moment even if I didn’t see it until later.

So another lesson I’ve learned is that even if there is a fear that can’t be logically explained it doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t run from it.  God will allow me to feel fear to keep me from a dangerous situation that I may not have any knowledge of.  I don’t have to know what the danger is I only have to trust God when I feel that fear in my spirit.

As this year comes to an end I know that I am not a pro at dealing with fear but I can say that I am better than I was a year ago.  I’ve returned to running where I feel the safest and logically makes sense and I don’t avoid doing things simply because I fear what other people may or may not think of me.  I have more confidence in my ability in knowing when to run and when to face my fears.  I am proud of the growth I have made regardless of what everyone else sees and that is all that matters.  So as I was looking to next year and contemplate what my word for the year will be one came to my mind…..surrender.  Not to be confused with giving up.  Then I asked a close friend what she thought my word for the year should be and she said Trust.  Someone else said relentless.  And I’ve been thinking about how I have not returned to church anywhere and have no plans to look anymore.  I am surrendering that to God.  I am trusting him to bring people into my life who will invite me into their church community because they want me there not because I’m searching for something that I think I need.  Surrender comes when I trust so maybe it should be two words RELENTLESS TRUST because in order to surrender I will have to relentlessly trust over and over again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How’s Your Month Going?

I picked up my daughter from school and when she got in the car  I informed her that we had to go pick up Star (our cat) from the vet.  She instantly asked why? and I cringed trying to decide how honest I should be.

I went with complete honesty hoping that God would give me the grace and wisdom to guide my 10yr old daughter through more bad news.

I looked at her and told her that I had run over Star pulling into the garage that morning and he took off.

Her face quickly turned to a look of horror and I quickly told her that he was ok and we were going to pick him up.

As I pulled out of the school parking lot I heard her exclaim that February was a crappy month and that she couldn’t wait for March to get here.

I understood more than she knew because I had the same conversation with God early that morning.  I had told God that I thought February was a cursed month for me. I was trying to understand how any good could possibly come from losing our beloved Star.  I knew that I had completely run over him.  I heard the howl and fully expected to have to clean up his body from under the car.  So when he wasn’t there all I could think was that he wouldn’t make it far and would more than likely bleed out somewhere close by.  I tried calling and searching for him not because I thought I could do anything but so I could tell him I was sorry and allow the kids to bury him.  I left the house that morning heart broken trying to figure out how to tell the kids and what exactly to tell them.  I knew that if I ever saw him again it would be a miracle so when I arrived home that afternoon to see him trying to make his way across the driveway to me  I broke down crying.  I scooped him up and went straight to the vet.  I told them what happened and that I couldn’t afford to do a life saving surgery but if by some miracle he had a chance of surviving on his own then I would take him home.  I just didn’t want him to suffer a long slow death so if he was seriously injured and slowly dying I wanted to put him down.  I left the vet that afternoon still trying to figure out what to tell my children.

An hour later I received a call from the vet to inform me that Star had no internal bleeding and doesn’t appear to have any broken bones.  He  is very sore but he is getting around on his own so he should recover.

That’s when I heard God answer my question……..

I turned around and looked at my daughter and said

If all of those crappy things hadn’t happened this month we wouldn’t have had the opportunity to experience God’s miracles for ourselves.  So maybe February is a month of miracles and we are blessed to have had the opportunity to experience them.  Perhaps the greatest thing we can do now is share with others the things that God has done for us.

Her little face softened as she realized the truth of my words and then began talking about our miracles….

Her mom was alive! ( I had 2 car accident’s within 4 days… the second was very serious)

God sent people in our paths to help when we needed it the most.

Her pet baby bearded dragon was alive ( his eye exploded while sitting on her lap and was bleeding out his head)

I don’t know what your month has been like but I hope you can find encouragement and perhaps a new perspective if it has been a difficult one.  Paul warns us of the trials that we will face and reminds us to work at staying faithful and trusting God to know what he’s doing even when we can’t see it.  I’m not worried about next month or even how I’ll replace my cars because what matters most is what I believe about God.

I believe God is good and I hope you do too!

 

 

New Mornings Light

Peace has found its home deep within my heart

As the new day dawns, each ray of sunshine

Splashes your greatness upon my soul

Words will never do justice for the beauty of your creation

My breath is stolen by the colors of emotion

Colors created and painted by your heart

You delicately paint my life as sweetly as the morning light

You tenderly direct the path you set before me

So I will walk in confidence

For I know your paths are true and right

For they will lead me home to heavens throne

The One Thing

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I was sitting at my kitchen table eating dinner with my youngest daughter who is now eight years old.  She is the youngest of my four kids and on this particular night we were on our own since the other three were off with extra curricular activities.  As I sat there watching her eat I began to wonder if I was doing what I needed to with her.  Was I teaching her the most important thing?  I have been so busy in her little life with her siblings that I really haven’t had the time I wish I had.  I have ten years left with her and then she is off to college.

What is the one thing I want to her to know when she leaves?  What is the one thing I would want her to know if I died tomorrow?  What is the one thing I would like her to achieve?  I know these are deep questions to ask yourself over dinner with a little girl but they are questions I think every parent should ask themselves at some point before it’s too late.

I sat there pondering my own questions.  The one thing that I would like her to know before she goes off to college is that God loves her, faults included and will never leave her because he gives her more grace than she could possibly need to cover any mistakes she may make.

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The one thing I would want her to know if I were to die tomorrow…..

That I loved God more than anything in this world and to know that I had an intimate relationship with my Savior.

The one thing I would like to see her achieve…..

I long to see her develop a personal relationship with God that will carry her through life’s worst trials.

Nothing else really matters.

If she goes to college or goes to work.  Does she get married or have kids?  Or how about the harder things like does she drink, smoke or do drugs?  What if she screws up and gets arrested or even pregnant.  It doesn’t really matter because I know that God will use the negative to draw her closer to him and the positive to bless her.

I hear of how some parents have a very difficult time “letting go” of their children. Letting go was something I had to do when I had my first child nearly 17 yrs ago.  I remember that night clearly as if it were yesterday.  It was my first night home from the hospital and I was up feeding her in the middle of the night.  As I sat there looking down upon her tiny little hands, listening to the sweet sound of her breathing I began to wonder what on earth was I thinking?  I had wanted her so badly and now that she was here, I wanted her to die.  The thought mortified me at the time but it made perfect sense…..Here was this baby that I waited in anticipation for nine months and now I had fallen in love with her more than I could have ever imagined.  I wanted her to be safe and I knew that the world was not safe.  In fact I knew that it was a guarantee that she would suffer.  I would not be able to protect her and I loved her so much that I couldn’t stand the thought of watching her in pain.  I prayed that night and asked God to please take her home before anything could happen to her.  I didn’t want her to suffer and I was willing to lose her if that meant she would go to heaven.

God answered my prayer that night.  It was not the answer I wanted but it was an answer.

He said “Monica think about how much you love this child…How much more do you think that I love her?  Do you not think that the one thing I want for her is to come home?  Do you really think that I want to see her suffer?  It is not your right to decide when she comes home.  She is not yours she is mine and I have claimed her from conception just as I have claimed you. I have entrusted you with her for this moment in time and I will protect her because I know you can’t.  I am trusting you with her now so I need you to trust that I know what I’m doing”

That night I let go of all my rights to her and handed them over to God.  I did it with my other three children before they were ever born.  I don’t look at them as my children but as little souls that God has entrusted me with.  I gave all control to God and promised God that I would do my best to do that one thing……To teach them to love God.

So as I sat there at the dinner table with my youngest I was questioning whether I was really doing my best to teach her to love God.  Watching her eat I asked her “Christy who is your best friend?”

She looked at me and nonchalantly said “Elise is Mommy” she paused and said “no! no! she is my second bestest friend”

Curious I was looking at her expecting her to name one of her friends from school.  But she surprised me and said “God is my first best friend!”

I smiled at her and said “your right honey he is the best friend you could possibly have”

I said nothing more.

I may not have had a ton of time to spend with her reading bible stories but what I have done is lived it out for her.  How I have chosen to live my life has had a bigger impact on my children than anything else.  She went to VBS this last week and one of the things the teacher there had her do was write a note telling your Mom what one of her talents are.

I have posted pictures of the little notes I have received from her because they are so much sweeter when you view them in her handwriting.

ImageSimple words that spoke volumes to my heart.

Simple words that told me what her heart sees

Simple words are all it takes!

Who I Really Am

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When you meet someone the first thing they generally want to know is “Who are you?”

I’ve thought about who I am and what my response has been in the past and what I want my response to be in the future.

In a sense I get to choose who I am but often times I  let others define me.

So let me tell you a little about me.

I love to smile and charm the people around me.  I encourage lift up and support the people in my life.  I know how to appear confident and as if I have it all together.  But the cost of all that is: no one really knows me.  No one knows my deepest fears or deepest wounds.  No one really knows what makes me laugh or what burns my buttons.  So when I let others define me and all I let them see is this fun loving, happy, got it together kind of gal then the cost to me is loneliness.  I wind up trapped in my own illusion of who I need to be in order to be loved.  I have witnessed many people doing the same thing running in circles on this hamster wheel of life looking to the person next door to compare lives with or looking at the news media to see what is acceptable and what is not.

What if I accepted myself for who I really am instead of being embarrassed or ashamed of who God made me.

I am really the one who judges myself most of the time.  I falsely think or read into others perception of me far more than I should.  Even if I am right about it, how others perceive me doesn’t really matter because God is on my side and his grace is big enough to cover my biggest mistakes.

So I will go first with a glimpse of who I really am

I am a child of God

Beloved and precious in his sight

I don’t always believe it and my greatest fear is not being good enough

For having God reject me is death to my soul

I know this is a lie but it still haunts me

There was a point in my life where I believed it and gave up

I wasn’t strong enough but God picked me up and showed me the truth and now when the enemy haunts me

I remind myself that there is nothing I could possibly do to separate myself from Gods love

He has claimed me from the lost and found box

He has bought and paid for me, to never be returned

No on can steal his love from me

The only way I can lose it is if I reject it and walk away.

Even then when I return, his door is wide open with a welcome party waiting

I don’t know of anything else on earth that I can do that with and perhaps that is why the concept is so difficult for me to wrap my brain around.

So how about you?  What is your greatest fear for “real”?  and does anyone else really know?

Learning To Ride A Bike

These past few months I’ve been disappointed with myself.  I’m sure a lot of people who know me would wonder why. 

The thing is… I’ve been ashamed of how I have reacted to some of life’s circumstances the last 2yrs.  Some people hit hard times and turn to alcohol, drugs, food or even work to numb the pain inside.   I didn’t do any of those instead I just plain and simple tried to give up.  I pleaded with God to let me just come home so I could be safe from the pain inflicted upon me.  The reality of my past and things that I had lived through were just to overwhelming for me.  I was ashamed of things that happened that I had absolutely no control over.  I was hurt, angry and searching for way to escape the pain.  Once I realized I had nothing to be ashamed of the weight I was carrying began to lift and peace began to settle in my soul.

  Our enemy is sneaky and he knows our every weakness.  He knew mine and he attacked with a vengeance.  He began telling me lies…

I should not have fallen like I did into depression. 

I should have been stronger. 

I should have fought harder. 

Where was my faith and trust? 

I must not be good enough because I wanted to quit and God’s children don’t quit. 

I was ashamed because I had been ashamed.  Wow! I must be crazy who else feels ashamed over being ashamed?  Talk about sneaky.  Now there’s my weakness….Never being good enough.  I am a failure! 

God keeps reminding me though  We are all FAILURES!  No one is perfect and that is nothing to be ashamed of.  Every time I fall off the bike and walk away God is there to pick me up and give me a push.  He tells me to keep my eyes up and look ahead at where I am going….not the ground.  He knows I’m going to fall and I know he’s going to be there to pick me up every time.   The day will come though when I can ride my bike right into heaven’s gates. For I know he will be there to welcome me home at last, beaming with the pride of a Father’s love.

Playing on God’s Soccer Team

This week was rough for me.  Seems like most weeks the last several months have been rough and perhaps it has become my new “normal”.  I was struggling with not being good enough and I know that scripture says that I am but I don’t feel like it sometimes.  I can be so hard and judgmental on myself and yet full of grace for others.  Yesterday all I heard God saying was to Love “Myself”.

How do you do that?

He reminded me what love was.

It’s not a feeling, it’s an action or choice that we make

sometimes we have to make it several times a day with the same person.

For me that person is myself

To extend myself grace, forgiveness, patience as I fail over and over again and how about to never give up on myself.

I could go on but I do know what Love is and that is a whole other discussion that I may pick up another time.

So as I walked through a difficult day I tried to think of how I could love myself.  For me it meant laying out under the stars last night for a quiet uninterrupted moment with God.  To admire his craftsmanship in the sky and just let my spirit be one with God.  As I laid there I began to hear God speak to me in his soft whispers of the heart.

He told me to stop looking at everyone else,  He said your all on the same team and yet you all look at one another only to say to yourself that your not as good as them.

You ever catch yourself reading someone’s post or hearing someone else speak to find that the ugly green head of jealousy has creeps in to your heart.  I know I have,  in fact I usually go on with I wish I could write that well, or speak that good.  Heck you could throw anything in there.  We all have those things we wish we were better at and every time we see someone that we perceive as better than ourselves we find that green snake hiding within us.  I don’t know about you but I don’t like to see it and sometimes I even try to shove him out the door or in a closet and pretend he was never there in the first place,  I keep telling myself that there is no need to compare myself to others and that God made me just the way he wants me.  Its ok if I am not as good as so in so but really deep down I am still disappointed with who God made me to be and the talents he’s given me.

Realizing this, I had to take it to God and deal with this sneaky snake that’s been lurking in the corners of my heart. I know he is just waiting for the opportunity to strike me at the core when I least expect it.  I’m so tired of being bitten by him and I really want to do away with him once and for all.

When I asked God about it this is what he said to me

Monica,  You are all on the same team why can’t you see it like that?

If you were playing soccer and your teammate made a goal would you be jealous or would you rejoice because your team scored?

I would rejoice!

This is no different than that,  see I have created my children to compliment one another on the field of life just as you would pick your team mates to compliment each other in a game.

Some of you play forward and your going for the goal all the time and yes it looks more glamorous than defense.  But my defensive players are just as vital to the team.  Defensive players are in a position to make the great save to keep the enemy from scoring they are my prayer warriors and the people you run to when you need a shoulder to cry on.My offense are the ones everyone sees the most because they are out there going for the goal to reach the lost.

My midfielders probably have it the hardest.  See they are constantly running back and forth across the field directing the mission but never getting the big save or scoring the goal, but with out them there wouldn’t be a game. These people prepare hearts of others to receive the gift I have to offer.  They keep the communication open between the offense and defense. They are in the heart of the game even if they don’t get recognized.

But lets not stop there what about the coach and the “water boy”  every good team needs a good coach.  I have called some to be just that for my team.  They lead my players and lay out the plan with the mighty hand book of rules and guidelines I have given.  Their job is to train my players the ins and outs to the game.  They also encourage and correct when it is needed.  The water boy or girl is also a valuable part of the team and I think you may know where I am going with this one.  In order for a team to function at its best they need to be hydrated and served.  These people I have given the gift of serving.  They love to host and fill people’s physical needs.  Sure you could function with out them but not very well.

Lastly there is the team’s athletic trainer.  They are the ones that come into the field of play when someone is injured.  They check you out to make sure everything is working correctly before you return to play and if its not they direct you to receive healing.  They are gifted with the ability to spot an injury and provide treatment.  We all get knocked to the ground at some point in the game.  Some of us get back up right away and return to the game.  Some are shakin up and come out for a bit to rest and regain confidence.  Then there are those who are injured and must take time to heal before returning to the game.  Sitting on the sidelines is not always fun but to protect against further injury and being pulled out permanently the time must be given to heal.

Monica  I want you to look at life like its a game and others as if they were your teammates.  When they do something you think is great don’t look at yourself and think I wish I could do that.  That is not your position and only you can do your position.  Instead cheer them on for they just made a great move for the team.  The same team you are on!  Their Victory is your victory so if you change your perception of life’s circumstances then you rid yourself of the ugly green snake that lingers inside.

So here I am reevaluating my thoughts on the issue and I realize the truth that God is speaking to me.  But I also realize something so much more.  I’ve been injured and have had to sit on the sidelines for quite a while it seems.  But now I can see that it is necessary and has a purpose.  He wants to put me back in the game but he is also concerned with my strength and ability to keep up with the game.   He does have big plans for me, he is just preparing me for them.

My Miracle Car

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Have you ever had one of those days or months or even years where you wish you could go back and start over?  I’ve been having one of those years.  I would like to say it couldn’t possibly get worse but I know that it can and of course as soon as I type this, it will be an invitation for something to happen.  I could go on about all the things that have happened but I won’t.  I choose not to dwell on them anymore.  See even though a lot of “not so good” things have happened I have had the unique opportunity to see God on a deeper level.

I love how just when I think I’ve reached a plateau or mile stone God thrusts me to the next level.  This doesn’t mean I never cry or get upset about my circumstances.  I believe we all have our moments of weakness where we know God is ultimately in control but we are still on the floor throwing a temper tantrum like a two year old.  I’m not always happy about it and  I don’t always understand and yes I do wish he would do it my way sometimes.  I usually try to console myself with Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you.  Plans for prosperity and not for evil.  Plans for a future and hope.  When you look for me you will find me.  This verse in particular always has a way of pulling the steam out of this engine.  When I’m finally done arguing my point with God and my heart grows quiet I can hear his voice.  He doesn’t always tell me why he does something but he always consoles my heartache.

I have also learned that it is important to have friends who know me well enough to encourage and lift me up.  I used to go through life by myself so to speak.  When things went wrong I would take them to the foot of the cross and leave them with the Lord.  That was great and I learned a lot about God. I learned how to really hear his voice and how to have peace through some pretty difficult trials.  What it didn’t teach me though was that God is down here on earth with me.  I don’t have to wait to get to heaven to “be” with God and experience his glory.  I didn’t fully understand that when I would leave people out of my life and try to handle it on my own I was pushing God out of my life.  Think of it this way.  If God lives in me then he lives in you, so if I don’t let you and you don’t let me in during difficult times, then we are not allowing God to meet us where we are here on earth.  I don’t know about you but I know I want to experience God down here on earth to the fullest.  What does that mean to me?  Well when my daughter has a car accident and totals my only van,  I ask others for help rather than struggling through on my own.  Sure I could get by on my own hitching rides, not going places and even purchasing a really cheap (but probably not very good) car.  What  I discovered though through telling people and sharing my struggles with them was that God could meet my needs way better than he could when I kept to myself.

There were several little miracles that occurred to make this big miracle happen.  I thought I would share them with you so you can see how God has worked in my life and hopefully you will be able to see him more clearly in your own life.

On Jan 31, 2013 my daughter was in a car accident on her way to pick me up from work.  We only had one car and it made more sense for her to drop me off at work before going to school then it did for me to drop her off at 6am for school.  She had only had her license for 2 months and had never driven on snow or icy roads.  That morning I knew there was a chance of a little snow but it was nothing big.  For tow days I had heard God telling me she was going to have an accident on this particular day.  I consoled myself with the fact that she needed to learn and she wasn’t going to get experience if I kept her off the road every time it was a little icy.  There were no school closings any where in our region so I knew it would be a little ridiculous for me to keep her off the road.  I told myself that I probably wasn’t hearing God and that I was just a worrying Mother.  That morning she made it school safely and I breathed a bit easier.  There was something inside of me though that kept telling me it wasn’t over and before the day was out I got that phone call every parent dreads where your kid is on the other end in hysterics crying.  She couldn’t tell me what happened because she was crying so hard but I knew exactly what happened.
The first miracle was that someone was with me and I was able to leave right away in their car.  I retraced the path she would take to get to me and she was only few miles away.  When I arrived at the scene my heart sank at the sight of my van and I knew it was totaled.  The second miracle was that my daughter was not injured, not even a bruise.  When I asked her later about the air bag deploying and if it hurt. She told me all she felt was something brush against her arm.  If you have ever had the displeasure of being struck with an air bag you know that they can hurt,  of course not as bad as you would if you didn’t have one, but none the less they hurt.  The third miracle that day was that enterprise closed at 6pm.  The accident happened at 4:30 so by the time we were done with police reports and talking to  the insurance company I walked in the door there at 5:55 only to be told that they didn’t have the reservation from the insurance company yet.  I could put up $300 to get the car that night or wait till the next day.  I couldn’t wait and I didn’t have $300.  I couldn’t call anyone to help either because enterprise was closing in 3 minutes and wouldn’t take a credit card over the phone.  I stood there not really sure what I was going to do and prayed.  I was waiting for God’s answer to my dilemma when the reservation popped up on their computer at 5:59 .  Relieved my daughter and I climbed into our temporary car.  I knew my daughter was very upset and understood that I was not in a position to replace my van.  I could only imagine how she felt and I didn’t want her to carry this burden so I began to slowly list all the things in my life that I was thankful for.  I did this all the way home and told her this wasn’t her problem to fix.  She may have had the accident but its not her job to pick up the pieces.   I couldn’t even pick up the pieces,  this wasn’t something we could fix.  To be honest I was a little lost myself and very numb inside.

The next week I found out I would be getting a mere $2300 for my van. My van of course was worth way more than that  to me and next to impossible to replace at that price. I  So I went to a local dealership where I was close friends with some of the employees and the salesman there put me in a couple of cars.  I really didn’t like any of them and I told him he was trying to sell a puppy to someone who lost their beloved dog two days ago.  It didn’t matter what he showed me I couldn’t make a decision.   I am a single mom who is trying to raise 4 kids on very little money so I really didn’t even know how I was going to afford anything.  After the last car he told me he had another option but I couldn’t tell anyone.  He had just driven back a car from out of town.  The woman was a friend and had purchased a new vehicle so she had asked him to drive her old car back to sell for her.  The woman was only asking $3500 for it so it was more in my price range than the ones he had been showing me.  After 2 friends looked over the car for me I told him I would buy it.  The salesman was even going to do the sale outside of the dealership so I wouldn’t have to pay additional fees.  You would think it would be easy now.  Insurance cuts me a ck and I pay for the car and I go away happy.  No that’s not how it works for me.  It took two attempts to fill out and fax paperwork correctly.  How should I know I’m the customer?  I would have thought they were since they are the one’s buying my demolished van.  Then I had to track down the title which was not as easy as going home to the file and pulling it out.  You see the bank gave me the wrong title 2 yrs ago when I finished paying for my van.  They did send me a title just not the right one.  So after I tracked that down turned it all in I found out the owner of the car I was buying was still looking for her title.  Great!  I’m beginning to think this whole title business is a bunch of crap!

Finally all the money and titles located so I go to get my new car.  The wonderful salesman tells me how I can’t come by the dealership to visit my friends  in my new car for awhile.  It seems the owner saw the car and was trying to buy it out from under me.  He was even offering more than $3500 I had agreed to pay because he want to sell it for $6000.  He told the owner the woman wanted the car for her grandson so it was going back.  He put his job on the line so I could get a good deal on a car I desperately needed.  God was really looking out for me there.

Well 26 days later I finally have my new car and what’s even better my daughter has one too.  See, I had to turn the rental back in after a week and I still hadn’t gotten a vehicle.  God was faithful though and a friend from church was trying to sell an old van.  He said we could use it and if I wanted it to make an offer.  It wasn’t worth much but it ran and if my daughter crashes it  I won’t be out much.  So I made him an offer, to which he accepted.   What started off as something terrible God turned into good.  I was going through gas and time like crazy trying to get my kids everywhere they needed to be.  Now I have a little car that gets great gas mileage and my daughter has a car to drive herself to school which will save me a ton of time and money.  The best part about it all was my children seeing how God works things out for the good of those who love him.  I don’t think my kids will ever forget this especially since they know how much I have always wanted a blue car.  They are more excited about the sunroof than the color and that’s okay with me.

Invitation For Success

MaumeeRiver

God you are calling me

Calling me for a purpose

Calling me to be something new

I am scared

So scared of failing

I know you say its okay to fail

What if it’s not okay with me?

I don’t want to fail

How do I change me?

Sounds so easy just change myself

Allow “me” to fail and be okay with it

I have to accept “me”

Not just for what I can do but also for what I can’t do

I have known failure for so long

He has been a close friend of mine

You would think I would be used to him

I expect failure to show up that is why I’m scared

I know the pain that comes with being his friend

He is invited to every new circumstance

That is why I hate new things

What if I make success my new friend

Failure doesn’t show up when success  is there

What if I expect success to appear?

I can pretend I do and hope beyond hope that something

Bigger than me is at work here

I can expect success to show up

God doesn’t let failure in his house

God’s made his home in me so failure can’t sneak in anymore

Success is my new friend!